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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think the the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, instead of benefiting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
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There are a lot of
People
 define
school
 as a place to have an opportunity to grow up as decent individuals
whereas
 some
people
 assert the origin of establishing
schools
 is giving
people
 basic education and socialization for settling down as members of
society
. The main goal of
schools
 is to consider a process of learning to conduct helpful roles in
society
, not personal ones.
However
, there are several reasons why many
people
 say
schools
 are no longer places where
children
 can only focus on cooperation and learning to be good citizens and workers for
society
. First, the modern world wants an individual who has unique skills and outstanding abilities than the others, which leads to massive competition. Following these changes, the role of
schools
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 to accept their different purposes to benefit individuals' growth.
Nevertheless
 , it is still significant that
school
 teaches
children
 to be helpful to
society
. Even though the pattern of life in the modern world focuses on individual quality, the individual will eventually work for a part of
society
.
For example
, the more
school
 change their curriculum to spend more time on personal studies,
instead
 of learning subjects to enhance morality, the more
children
 tend to act rude and uncourteous in
society
.
As a result
, they will fail to adapt to
society
 because they lack the skills to live
together with
people
 as a member of
society
, even if their capabilities to conduct work are decent. Alternatively, there are a lot of private academies to enhance individual capabilities,
thus
 it would be better to let the
school
 conduct its role as educating
children
 into good citizens and workers and invest extra time for individual growth out of
school
. In conclusion, building an individual's ability to survive in
this
 modern world is important.
However
, it does not mean the role of the
school
 is supposed to be changed
into benefiting
Change preposition
to benefit
show examples
 individuals since there is more valuable learning from
school
 curriculums.
Submitted by pjh011205 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows some organization, but the ideas could be more logically sequenced with clearer paragraph structures. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting points. Additionally, use transition words to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
When it comes to task response, make sure to fully answer all parts of the prompt. Your essay partially addresses the given topic but often seems to wander. Work on providing a clear position and extending the supporting details. Remember to include specific examples to thoroughly illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • citizenship
  • workforce readiness
  • individual development
  • talents and passions
  • responsible citizens
  • emotional intelligence
  • personal well-being
  • personal growth
  • functioning democracy
  • mental health
  • personal happiness
  • dual role
  • neglect
  • engaged citizens
  • nurturing
  • balance
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