IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagre

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Some
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 of people tend to think, that
both
Use synonyms
 males and females are suitable to serve in the military, the
navy
Capitalize word
Navy
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 and the
air force
Correct your spelling
Air Force
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. Personally, I think that women would bring more benefits
being
Change preposition
to being
show examples
 out of the army. The arguments are illustrated in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is well known, that nowadays
both
Use synonyms
 sexes are equally skilful in different areas of our life.
For example
Linking Words
, ladies are
appereciated
Correct your spelling
appreciated
 in
educational
Add an article
the educational
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 sector, in healthcare and administrative,
management
Correct word choice
and management
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 sectors.
Thus
Linking Words
, modern
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 other vital aspects rather than the military sector.
Their
Correct pronoun usage
Both
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 hard and soft skills are highly required in day to day life of citizens. It is one of the reasons behind that I
against
Add a missing verb
am against
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it can be argued that
both
Use synonyms
 sexes have equal abilities, female
phisique
Correct your spelling
physique
 may not allow them to work in specific military services. Take
for example
Linking Words
 heavy works
with
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apply
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carrying heavy things,
field
Correct word choice
and field
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 jobs in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad weather condition which require more effort and
man power
Correct your spelling
manpower
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. Girls are gentle by nature,
this
Linking Words
 is another reason that strict conditions would worsen their reality. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, it is
also
Linking Words
 crucial to say that growing children need a mom at home, the military service
do
Change the verb form
does
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 not give
such
Linking Words
 an
opprtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to families. It will bring
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
social problems
,
Correct word choice
and, as
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as a consequence
Linking Words
 will end up with national
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. So, I believe that females can afford
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to find
helpful
Replace the word
help
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 in other sectors of
our
Correct pronoun usage
their
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 despite being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
soldier
Fix the agreement mistake
soldiers
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 in the army force.

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the task. The writer's position is clear, but the arguments presented lack depth and breadth. The response would benefit from a more thorough exploration of the topic, including both sides of the argument. Specific examples and a stronger development of points are necessary to fully answer the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay is organized to some extent, with an introduction and conclusion, though both could be more effectively presented. Sentence linkage is somewhat simplistic and paragraphing lacks clear progression of ideas. Improve by using a wider range of cohesive devices and enhancing the logical flow between points.
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