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Band 4

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagre

#people #women #army #navy #air #force #men #disagre
Some
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 of people tend to think, that
both
 males and females are suitable to serve in the military, the
navy
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Navy
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 and the
air force
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Air Force
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. Personally, I think that women would bring more benefits
being
Change preposition
to being
show examples
 out of the army. The arguments are illustrated in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, it is well known, that nowadays
both
 sexes are equally skilful in different areas of our life.
For example
, ladies are
appereciated
Correct your spelling
appreciated
 in
educational
Add an article
the educational
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 sector, in healthcare and administrative,
management
Correct word choice
and management
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 sectors.
Thus
, modern
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 can
fulfill
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fulfil
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 other vital aspects rather than the military sector.
Their
Correct pronoun usage
Both
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both
 hard and soft skills are highly required in day to day life of citizens. It is one of the reasons behind that I
against
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am against
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 statement.
On the other hand
, it can be argued that
both
 sexes have equal abilities, female
phisique
Correct your spelling
physique
 may not allow them to work in specific military services. Take
for example
 heavy works
with
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apply
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carrying heavy things,
field
Correct word choice
and field
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 jobs in
the
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apply
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bad weather condition which require more effort and
man power
Correct your spelling
manpower
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. Girls are gentle by nature,
this
 is another reason that strict conditions would worsen their reality. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, it is
also
 crucial to say that growing children need a mom at home, the military service
do
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does
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 not give
such
 an
opprtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to families. It will bring
to
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apply
show examples
social problems
,
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and, as
show examples
as a consequence
 will end up with national
problem
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problems
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. So, I believe that females can afford
themselves
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apply
show examples
to find
helpful
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help
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 in other sectors of
our
Correct pronoun usage
their
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life
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lives
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 despite being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
soldier
Fix the agreement mistake
soldiers
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 in the army force.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the task. The writer's position is clear, but the arguments presented lack depth and breadth. The response would benefit from a more thorough exploration of the topic, including both sides of the argument. Specific examples and a stronger development of points are necessary to fully answer the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay is organized to some extent, with an introduction and conclusion, though both could be more effectively presented. Sentence linkage is somewhat simplistic and paragraphing lacks clear progression of ideas. Improve by using a wider range of cohesive devices and enhancing the logical flow between points.
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