IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people argue that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. An alternative view is that they can adapt to a new environment by establishing a minority community. Discuss these two views and give your opinion.

#people #immigrants #culture #country #alternative #environment #minority #community #two
It would be argued by some that
newcomers
 should establish
minority
Correct article usage
a minority
show examples
community
 to maintain their own cultures. In my opinion,
however
, they should blend
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the local
culture
 of host nations. On the
one
 hand, there are a number of reasons why some believe that
newcomers
 should establish
minority
Correct article usage
a minority
show examples
community
 to maintain their own cultures.
One
 of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
, when they establish a
minority
community
, it will help
newcomers
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
embarrassment
Replace the word
embarrassed
show examples
 or the feeling of being like a fish out of water.
One
 of
different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
, they create a
minority
community
 for immigrants to lead to preserving the traditions of their folk, help them not
missing
Wrong verb form
miss their
show examples
 motherland and
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
attract native residents and visitors
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 more knowledge about their traditions and
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
show examples
 in their motherland. On the
one
 hand, I would argue that immigrants should adopt
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
indigenous
culture
. In my opinion, as the saying goes “When in Rome, do as Romans do”, it is beneficial for groups of
newcomers
 to adopt
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
indigenous
culture
. People merge into the tradition of the locals, resulting in an increase in the number of job opportunities and a decline in the ratio of discriminated or treated.
This
 may help them develop and strengthen businesses, their kids will be educated in a healthy environment where they can communicate with numerous people
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 other countries. Another reason is they can be convenient for working
together with
 native locals to gain a great deal of life experience and the likelihood of working in
cross-cultural
Add an article
a cross-cultural
show examples
 environment. In conclusion,
although
 some people think that immigrants should adopt the local
culture
 when leaving
motherland
Correct pronoun usage
their motherland
show examples
 to resettle in a new country, I personally believe that integrating local lifestyles brings more benefits for
newcomers
.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has an identifiable structure, but the paragraphs are not well developed, and the ideas are not always logically organized or connected. Work on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and use a range of cohesive devices effectively.
Task Achievement
The task is somewhat responded to, with both views discussed and a personal opinion provided. However, the ideas are not fully extended or well supported with specific examples. Aim to cover all parts of the question and extend your supporting points fully to demonstrate your command of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: