IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
job
Use synonyms
security
Use synonyms
 is more substantial,
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others claim that being content at
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 is
prominent
Correct word choice
important
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 to
be achieved
Wrong verb form
achieve
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.
While
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 getting
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
Use synonyms
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 may retain employees to stay in a company, I believe that a permanent
job
Use synonyms
 will give more benefits to the employees.
Job
Use synonyms
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 can keep
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
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 to hold the fort in one
job
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 tendency happens
since
Correct word choice
because
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 when
people
Use synonyms
 do a task that
align
Change the verb form
aligns
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 with their passion, they will stay in their comfort zone.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 an
extrovert
Fix the agreement mistake
extroverts
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 and love to communicate with others will be pleased to work in
marketing
Add an article
the marketing
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 section,
while
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they
Add a verb
they are
they were
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 able to use their talent to produce excellent outcomes.
As a result
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, when endowment can be applied in their routine roles,
people
Use synonyms
 will stay as their
job
Use synonyms
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 is achieved. With
current
Correct article usage
the current
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condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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 when
job
Use synonyms
 rivalry is insane, getting a permanent
job
Use synonyms
 is a blessing that everyone could ask for.
This
Linking Words
 happens because when
people
Use synonyms
 get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
Use synonyms
security
Use synonyms
, they will get a monthly stable income, a huge amount of health insurance, or even
annual
Correct article usage
an annual
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 bonus which cannot be obtained by temporary employees. If,
for example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 work as non-permanent staff, it
also
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 increases their chance
to get
Change preposition
of getting
show examples
lay-off
Correct your spelling
laid off
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, which commonly
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 industrial era.
Hence
Linking Words
,
job
Use synonyms
security
Use synonyms
is become
Change to the active voice
becomes
has become
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 something crucial to be
fighted
Correct your spelling
fought
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 to assure workers
for
Change preposition
of
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 having a safety net in the future.
To sum up
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that getting
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
job
Use synonyms
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 is valuable,
while
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others claim that it is terrible to be hired as a temporary employee. In my opinion, it is good
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
when
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 we are comfortable and feel content about our jobs,
however
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 attaining a permanent
job
Use synonyms
 must be put at our top priorities since it can
gives
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 us a sense of
security
Use synonyms
 to face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life after decades.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic but lacks clear and comprehensive development of ideas. Ensure that both points of view are discussed equally and that your opinion is supported by strong, clear arguments.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is visible but lacking in clarity and effectiveness. Develop a clear introductory paragraph by outlining both views and your thesis statement. Use topic sentences effectively to introduce main points, and write a concluding paragraph that restates your opinion and summarises the main points.
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