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Writing Samples
Band 4

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishments is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishments should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children ?

#children #difference #right #age #punishments #distinction #sort #parents #teachers #behavior
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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is using punishments
while
 upbringing
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the purpose of learning to differentiate bad deeds from good acts at an early age. Now people beginning to realize that punishment is necessary to help them learn
this
 distinction. Personally, I tend to think that chastisement has loads of alternatives, so it is unnecessary to use that method
while
 teaching
children
 about the difference between right and wrong.
Firstly
, it is well known that
children
 should be brought up with love, but not with hostility. What I mean here is that parents could guide their
children
 to the right side by giving them personal examples. One of the main reasons behind
that is
 that violence can not
result
Add the preposition
result in
result from
show examples
 well-mannered
children
, but may issue bad-tempered people with an enormous number of mental illnesses. A good case in point is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 high index of psychopaths in the
West
Correct word choice
Western
show examples
 part of our world, where people tend to raise their
children
 without any leniency.
On the other hand
, it can
also
 be argued that
simple
Correct article usage
a simple
show examples
 explanation is
also
brilliant
Add an article
a brilliant
show examples
 way to train
children
.
That is
 to
say
Add a comma
say,
show examples
 good things may be explained simply, after which
children
 will probably understand what is right and what is wrong, so they are human, not animals. Take
for example
 Kazakhstan, where parents
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not harsh to their
children
, because of which
children
 are usually do not have any problems with their health and well-behaved. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account in our final analysis we can say that
children
nurtured
Add a missing verb
are nurtured
show examples
 without any harshness.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
While your main points are somewhat clear, it's crucial to articulate them in a logical sequence – your essay seems disjointed. Please ensure each paragraph naturally leads to the next, with clear topic sentences that outline the main idea followed by supporting sentences to expand on that idea.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are fundamental components of your essay. However, your conclusion only vaguely restates your position without summarizing the main points made. Be sure to clearly reassert your stance and summarize the arguments presented.
task achievement
You have made an effort to explain your views, yet they are supported with limited reasoning and examples. Whenever you make a claim, back it up with clear, relevant examples to strengthen your argument effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address all parts of the task. The second question regarding the types of punishments parents and teachers should be allowed to use was not addressed at all. Expand on your ideas to cover all aspects of the prompt thoroughly.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and depth in your writing. Some of your ideas seem incomplete or superficial. You should aim to provide comprehensive explanations and delve deeper into your reasoning to adequately convey your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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