IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time or leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disavantages?

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People have become busier and worked longer, but have had little spare
time
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 in today's world. It is undeniable that
this
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 is a tendency in our society. Some individuals make continuous efforts just to pay a bill on
time
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,
while
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 others are eager to pursue quality of life. There are existing pros and cons to
this
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 situation. I will discuss
this
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 topic in the following paragraphs. On the
one
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 hand, people who
work
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 hard indeed easily achieve their personal goals,
such
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 as getting a promotion, acquiring many benefits, and earning a good reputation, leading to success.
For example
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,
one
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 of the workers in my company dedicated his
time
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 to finishing all the tasks beforehand and completing them perfectly, and he ended up pursuing a higher position, manager, within working only three years.
Moreover
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, earning more money than the average individual.
Therefore
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, working hard helps people achieve their accomplishments in their
work
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 field.
On the other hand
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, delving into those who are diligent but getting involved in
work
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 means they need to abandon their personal
time
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. That can cause some problems,
such
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 as ignoring their body conditions and becoming more stressed.
For instance
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, workers take almost their
time
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 to devote themselves to
work
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, yet have no
time
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 to see a doctor when they are feeling ill. Neglecting some warning signs from the body,
for example
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, insomnia and depression, like
one
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 of my sisters, immersing herself in her
work
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 environment but having no
time
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 to take care of her body.
One
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 day, she died because of a heart attack, which is regarded as death
due to
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 overwork.
Hence
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, being occupied by
work
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 may lead to some diseases because of spending too much
time
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 dealing with
work
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. In summary,
although
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 working hard can bring career success and financial gains, it is essential to find a balance between
work
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 and personal life. You should not sacrifice your health or personal well-being for professional goals.
In other words
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, It is crucial to manage your
time
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 wisely, giving attention to both
work
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 and personal aspects. Only when
this
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 balance is achieved can you truly enjoy the rewards of your hard
work
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 without harming your
overall
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 quality of life
.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure by having distinct paragraphs with clear ideas, each supported by relevant examples and details. Consider beginning each paragraph with a topic sentence that states the paragraph's main idea, followed by supporting sentences that develop the idea comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Include a distinct introduction that states your thesis or the main argument of the essay. Similarly, ensure that the conclusion summarises the main points discussed, restates your overall viewpoint and provides a clear resolution to the topic at hand.
task achievement
The essay must address all parts of the task. While the essay presents both advantages and disadvantages, it could provide a more balanced view by exploring both aspects more evenly and connecting them more explicitly to the question posed.
task achievement
Ideas presented in your essay should be clearly articulated and developed. While the essay contains some clear ideas, further detail and explanation would strengthen the argument and the overall clarity of the essay.
task achievement
Be sure to provide relevant and specific examples to support each point you make, which helps to make your argument more convincing. While the essay includes examples, strive for more specific details to better illustrate your points and to enhance your task response score.
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