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Band 3.5

some people say that subjects like arts, music, drama and creative writing are more beneficial to children and therefore they need more of these subjects to be included in the timetable. Do you agree or disagree.

#people #subjects #arts #music #drama #children #timetable
n
Correct your spelling
In
this
 digital era, many human beings believe that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 need to reform their curriculum by adding more
subjects
, which are art, music, drama and creative writing,
while
 some people argue that
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
subjects
 should be set up as activities partially with the timetable for youths in
school
.
This
 essay will be focused on the formal
school
 system and I disagree with
this
 statement,
To begin
 with, there are a lot of positive and negative effects in
this
 society,
due to
 the fact that adding more artistic
subjects
 can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
make
lacks
Fix the agreement mistake
lack
show examples
 of interest among students in some parts,
such
 as medical or engineering
education
.
Consequently
, teenagers are required to teach about mathematics for calculations and management skills, including
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physics and chemistry.
As well as
, their native language to communicate in early childhood
education
.
On the other hand
, the middle or high schools, if they provide the arts,
such
 as music , painting and drama, and creative writing,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would be more beneficial for youngsters and communities. In my perspective, artistic
subjects
 and innovative writing
essay
Fix the agreement mistake
essays
show examples
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 vital for those who are keen
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to learn about arts.
As a result
, they can pursue their passions or majors to create
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future or life continuously in the university. In conclusion, adding
subjects
 like art , music, drama and creative writing should be considered to establish in the
school
 curriculum in middle and
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
education
 rather than elementary
education
 in terms of children’s brain development.
Submitted by thurasoe1992.ac on

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task achievement
The essay attempts to respond to the task with a clear opinion, but the argument and examples are not fully developed or convincing. Ensure your ideas are fully extended with clear explanation and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The coherence of the essay could be improved by better transitioning between ideas and paragraphs. Make sure to use a range of cohesive devices effectively and check paragraphing for clear and logical flow of ideas.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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