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Band 4

Some people think that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward student who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #schools #reward #students #show #results #student #improvements
In the modern educational system, the only outstanding
student
 with the highest score usually
get
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gets
show examples
 the prize from the
school
. In
constrat
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contrast
, some schools make a different standard of
rewarding
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reward
show examples
 by selecting the students who showed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enhanced results.
In
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This
show examples
this
 essay,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will list
the
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apply
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both
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 of controversy and comment
my
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on my
show examples
 opinion. Those who often say the honor should go to the one who
achieve
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achieves
show examples
 the best performance in the
school
 assert that it will maximize the meaning of the achievement and make them proud of themselves.
Additionally
, The value of the first prize will arouse
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competition among pupils, which naturally leads to an increase
of
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in
show examples
overall
Correct article usage
the overall
show examples
 frame of the
school
.
According to
 a survey,
serveal
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several
 students
anserwed
Correct your spelling
answered
 that it will be more valuable when only one can get afford the win in the entire
of
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
show examples
school
.
On the other hand
 , some people insist
of
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apply
show examples
that rewarding students with an individual's development is far more significant. The improvement of oneself compared to the previous semester
mean
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means
show examples
 that the
student
 actually
understand
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understands
show examples
 the
responsiblity
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of their life and
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 an effort to make
a
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apply
show examples
progress, which is the most important point of learning as a
student
 in
school
 age. Following to an experiment from Seoul Highschool, it revealed that it had
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 impact on the
overall
 achievement of the
school
 when the
school
presents
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presented
show examples
compliment
Fix the agreement mistake
compliments
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 to the
pupil
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pupils
show examples
 who showed
the
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apply
show examples
better performance. In conclusion, I
also
 believe that the
honor
Change the spelling
honour
show examples
 of the academic reward should go to the best
student
 because it can bring
Correct article usage
a postive
show examples
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
 influence of evoking
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
 atmosphere in the schools.
Submitted by pjh011205 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay generally lacks coherence and cohesion. The logical structure is somewhat confusing, with the introduction failing to clearly set the stage for the subsequent discussion. Main points should be better developed with clear topic sentences and supporting sentences that flow logically from one to the next. Transition words and phrases are needed to connect ideas more effectively.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, the essay addresses the topic but does not provide a thorough discussion of both sides of the argument. Many of your ideas are not fully developed, and your reasoning at times is unclear. Examples are either not relevant or not fully explained. You must provide concrete examples to support your points and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic. Ensure that you include a balanced discussion before giving your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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