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Band 4.5

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in public places. Overall this is a very good idea. To what extent do you agree?

#businesses #smoke #cigarettes #offices #governments #places #idea
Smoking has been becoming
an essential health issues
Correct the article-noun agreement
an essential health issue
essential health issues
show examples
 in recent days, and has
bad
Add an article
a bad
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 impact both
direct
Change preposition
in direct
show examples
 and indirect
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
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 on individuals. At that
point
Add a comma
point,
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 there comes a question to the mind that: whether banning smoking in offices and public places should be accepted as a good idea or not. It can easily stated that in order to protect
non-smokers
 from the adverse effects of
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and motivate smokers
ending of
Verb problem
to end
show examples
 their smoking habits, smoking should be banned in offices and shared
areas
.
Firstly
, one of the reasons why smoking should not be allowed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
shared
areas
 is
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the adverse effects of cigars on
non-smokers
. Imagine
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
an
office
 environment, where employees
smoke
while
 working,
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
smoke
office
's air will be polluted and
non-smokers
would
Verb problem
will become
show examples
annoy
Wrong verb form
annoyed
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
smoke
 and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may lose their concentration on their tasks.
Furthermore
, they may suffer from allergies and diseases related to
Correct article usage
the respiratuar
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respiratuar
Correct your spelling
respiratory
respirator
 system, including asthma and COAH. In
compariosn
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with another
office
,
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
people
 are not allowed to
smoke
 during work time, the first company’s worker's efficiency may decrease
due to
 the foggy working area.
To sum up
, since
smoke
Wrong verb form
smoking
show examples
 a cigarette may disturb
non-smokers
 and lead to some health concerns,
people
 should
smoke
at
Change preposition
apply
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outside
instead
 of at the
office
.
On the other hand
, banning smoking
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 shared
areas
 may motivate
people
 to stop to
smoke
. Let’s think a man, who has to go outside in order to
smoke
,
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will, inevitably, find
hard
Correct pronoun usage
it hard
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 to go outside
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
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 cold winter days. Compared to smoking inside, having an obligation to go out may promote individuals about
quiting
Correct your spelling
quitting
 smoking.
As a consequence
,
this
 process may result in a decline in the number of smokers in the country, and even across the globe. To wrap up, one should always keep in mind that as long as smoking bans
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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shared
areas
, it could be turned into a challenging activity.
Hence
,
people
 would lose their eagers about smoking.
To conclude
, when all the things are taken into account, as long as smoking
bannes
Correct your spelling
bans
banners
banned
 at shared places like offices and
people
’s willing may drop in time. In order to protect
non-smokers
 from the bad impact of
smoke
, and
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
people
 to stop
to
Wrong verb form
smoking
show examples
smoke
, authorities should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
ban the use of
cigarrettes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public places.
Submitted by ilaydailday on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your arguments are logically structured and presented in a coherent manner. The essay lacks a smooth transition between ideas and could benefit from clearer linking expressions to enhance cohesion.
Task Achievement
Stick to the topic throughout your essay and avoid deviating from the main points. While your essay addresses the main question, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial, and examples are not fully fleshed out or particularly relevant.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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