IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in public places. Overall this is a very good idea. To what extent do you agree?

#businesses #smoke #cigarettes #offices #governments #places #idea
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Smoking has been becoming
an essential health issues
Correct the article-noun agreement
an essential health issue
essential health issues
show examples
 in recent days, and has
bad
Add an article
a bad
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 impact both
direct
Change preposition
in direct
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 and indirect
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
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 on individuals. At that
point
Add a comma
point,
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 there comes a question to the mind that: whether banning smoking in offices and public places should be accepted as a good idea or not. It can easily stated that in order to protect
non-smokers
Use synonyms
 from the adverse effects of
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and motivate smokers
ending of
Verb problem
to end
show examples
 their smoking habits, smoking should be banned in offices and shared
areas
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, one of the reasons why smoking should not be allowed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
shared
areas
Use synonyms
 is
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the adverse effects of cigars on
non-smokers
Use synonyms
. Imagine
that
Correct word choice
apply
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an
office
Use synonyms
 environment, where employees
smoke
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 working,
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
smoke
Use synonyms
office
Use synonyms
's air will be polluted and
non-smokers
Use synonyms
would
Verb problem
will become
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annoy
Wrong verb form
annoyed
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from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
smoke
Use synonyms
 and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may lose their concentration on their tasks.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they may suffer from allergies and diseases related to
Correct article usage
the respiratuar
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respiratuar
Correct your spelling
respiratory
respirator
 system, including asthma and COAH. In
compariosn
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with another
office
Use synonyms
,
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to
smoke
Use synonyms
 during work time, the first company’s worker's efficiency may decrease
due to
Linking Words
 the foggy working area.
To sum up
Linking Words
, since
Use synonyms
smoke
Wrong verb form
smoking
show examples
 a cigarette may disturb
non-smokers
Use synonyms
 and lead to some health concerns,
people
Use synonyms
 should
smoke
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside
instead
Linking Words
 of at the
office
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, banning smoking
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 shared
areas
Use synonyms
 may motivate
people
Use synonyms
 to stop to
smoke
Use synonyms
. Let’s think a man, who has to go outside in order to
smoke
Use synonyms
,
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will, inevitably, find
hard
Correct pronoun usage
it hard
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 to go outside
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
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 cold winter days. Compared to smoking inside, having an obligation to go out may promote individuals about
quiting
Correct your spelling
quitting
 smoking.
As a consequence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 process may result in a decline in the number of smokers in the country, and even across the globe. To wrap up, one should always keep in mind that as long as smoking bans
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
shared
areas
Use synonyms
, it could be turned into a challenging activity.
Hence
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 would lose their eagers about smoking.
To conclude
Linking Words
, when all the things are taken into account, as long as smoking
bannes
Correct your spelling
bans
banners
banned
 at shared places like offices and
people
Use synonyms
’s willing may drop in time. In order to protect
non-smokers
Use synonyms
 from the bad impact of
smoke
Use synonyms
, and
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to stop
to
Wrong verb form
smoking
show examples
smoke
Use synonyms
, authorities should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
ban the use of
cigarrettes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public places.
Submitted by ilaydailday on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your arguments are logically structured and presented in a coherent manner. The essay lacks a smooth transition between ideas and could benefit from clearer linking expressions to enhance cohesion.
Task Achievement
Stick to the topic throughout your essay and avoid deviating from the main points. While your essay addresses the main question, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial, and examples are not fully fleshed out or particularly relevant.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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