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Band 5

A number of People are moving from rural areas to cities. Is it a positive or a negative development?

#people #areas #cities #development
At present time, some
people
 from rural
areas
 are immigrating to cities. I strongly believe
this
 situation
invite
Change the verb form
invites
show examples
 positive changes
such
 as it can raise the
development
 of human resources.
However
, it
also
 can bring downside namely uneven distribution of
population
. On one hand,
immigration
Correct article usage
the immigration
show examples
 of rural
people
 can upgrade the
development
 of human resources. In the
city
, the occupation atmosphere is more competitive, which forces them to be professional and keep developing their capabilities through certain training programs in order to get jobs and obtain enough money.
Moreover
 in the education field, if we compare the public facilities
such
 as schools that are provided in the
city
, it will seem that they are more advanced than schools that are located in the rural area. Even though they require extra money for tuition fees,
however
, they have comfortable and complete facilities to support student non and academic
development
. These matters genuinely influence the quality of human resource capabilities.
For example
,
city
 schools have a lot of media learning and well-structured curriculum to help and support
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 ability progress.
On the other hand
,
population
 movement from rural to urban
areas
 can increase uneven distribution of
population
. Dissatisfaction
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 society that
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
areas
 influences the existence of urbanization in large numbers. In fact, the
population
 density in the
city
 reached a high number, if there is movement
folk
Change preposition
of folk
show examples
 in large numbers to the
city
, it surely can raise the number density
population
. Highly high-density
population
 can have downside effects on local
people
,
for example
, the existence of limited job vacancies, lack of sufficient land to live in, and increased poverty rates. In conclusion the migration of
people
 from rural to urban
areas
 like cities, it will give advantages
such
 as raising the
development
 of human resources and disadvantage points namely increasing uneven distribution of
population
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be further improved by stating the thesis more explicitly and summarizing the key points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While the essay contains main points, they need to be supported by more detailed and specific examples. The use of examples is crucial to effectively illustrate and strengthen the argument.
task achievement
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task achievement
Ideas are presented but occasionally lack clarity and detail. Strive for more precision and depth in presenting your arguments.
task achievement
More specific examples from real life, studies, or hypothetical situations should be included to reinforce the points made in the essay and to demonstrate a higher level of task achievement.
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