IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Television is dangerous because it destroy family life and sense of community; arrested of visiting people or talking with our family we just watched television

#television #life #sense #community #people
There is no doubt that these days everybody is used to
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 countless
hours
 in
front
 of
television
 screens. The
questions
Fix the agreement mistake
question
show examples
 is, are televisions impactful in our community? In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss my view and draw my personal conclusion. In terms of advantages, TVs could make our life more enjoyable. The main reason given to support
this
 claim is that lots of comedy and interesting programs like cartoons are displayed on these devices, Which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 us too
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
engaged in
front
 of televisions. To illustrate,
Tom
Correct article usage
the Tom
show examples
 & Jerry cartoon is a very popular funny program showed on televisions.
In other words
, Lots of children get very happy when they see it. So, that’s why some
people
 think that
Television
 is not
such
 a big problem.
However
, TV has clear
disavantages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 society.
Firstly
,
aloss
Correct your spelling
a loss
loss
 of
communicational
Replace the word
communication
show examples
 skills could happen
due to
 watching
television
.
In other words
, when
people
 tend to just sit in
front
 of a screen for
hours
 without talking with others, they will gradually tend to
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
 their social interaction skills.
A recent
Remove the article
Recent
show examples
 research shows that teenagers who watch TV
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
 than 2
hours
 daily suffer from lack
ofspeaking
Correct your spelling
of speaking
speaking
 skills in
front
 of
people
.
Secondly
, Addiction is a common side effect of TVs.
This
 is because
people
 watch them for long
hours
 and still wish for more. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance, If I
saw
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 one episode of an interesting program, I will wait eagerly for other episodes or
other
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
more interesting programs. In conclusion,
although
television
 may bring
little
Correct article usage
a little
show examples
 bit
joy
Change preposition
of joy
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our lives, it still has dangerous effects on
people
.
Therefore
, I believe that TVs are very harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 our social and family life.
Submitted by Yousef on

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introduction conclusion present
Your essay could benefit from a more precise introduction and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the topic and your position, and the conclusion should effectively summarise your argument and restate your position.
logical structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within it coherently support that idea. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve cohesion.
supported main points
Try to fully develop your main points by including more specific examples and expanding on your ideas to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
complete response
To enhance the task response, ensure you address all parts of the prompt clearly. You could improve by offering a more balanced discussion on both advantages and disadvantages of television, followed by a clear opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Articulate your ideas more comprehensively by providing deeper analysis and explanation. Refrain from making broad or sweeping statements without supporting evidence.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more relevant, specific examples to illustrate your points. These examples should directly support your argument and be clearly linked to the main ideas of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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