IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many students are taught to push themselves to try and be better than other students, rather than work together for everyone’s benefits. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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These days the youngest generation
are
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is
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 pushed by their parents or teachers to always do better than others rather than cooperate with them for a common goal. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss how
this
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 mindset could be counterproductive in
long
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the long
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terms
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term
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. On
one
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the one
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 hand, studying on your own can bring many advantages.
Firstly
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, it is a common opinion that
a
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apply
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good competition between students can bring more results
such
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 as higher scores and get more credit from teachers.
Secondly
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Add a comma
,
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it can encourage the
youngs
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young
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 to never settle, always try to do
the
Change the word
their
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 best and find a solution by themselves. As
last
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the
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apply
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young students can be lazier compared to
another student
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other students
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, avoiding
his
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their
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task
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tasks
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 and giving
it
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them
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 to someone else.
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 a lot of disadvantages.
For instance
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, as everyone knows every race has a winner and a loser,
this
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 can cause psychological issues in a child
such
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 as not trusting themself and
disencourage
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discouraging
 them
to try
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from trying
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 again and
accept
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accepting
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 the failure.
This
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cause
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causes
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 many difficulties once they are trying to get a job.
Secondly
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, They will never learn how to work in groups, indeed nowadays there are many young workers who are not able to cooperate with their colleagues that skill is essential in many jobs like a police officer who must trust his partner every day putting his life in their hand . In conclusion, despite the many benefits of working alone to get more results and push kids to always do better, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 the best way to succeed is to work together.

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coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is somewhat disjointed, reflecting a need for clearer logical arrangement and better linking of ideas. Consider utilizing cohesive devices and transitions to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be better structured to explicitly state the thesis and summarize the main points. Aim for a clearer articulation of the argument in these critical sections of the essay.
coherence cohesion
While main points are present, their support in the form of specific examples and detailed explanations is lacking. Develop your ideas more thoroughly and provide concrete examples that directly relate to the prompt.
task achievement
The response only marginally addresses the task. To score higher, ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the prompt. Provide an even exploration of advantages and disadvantages with a clear personal stance or resolution, as required by the task.
task achievement
Ideas are expressed, but lack clarity and depth. Strive for comprehensive explanations and elaborate on assertions made, ensuring the reader is left with a clear understanding of your perspectives.
task achievement
Relevant examples are necessary to substantiate your points. Utilize specific instances or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate the advantages and disadvantages being discussed, ensuring the examples are pertinent and reinforce your argument.
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