Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say that they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both points of view and five your own opinion.

#films #computer #games #violence #people #effect #society #points #five

It is true that some of the digital leisures like

games

have been

raising

Correct your spelling

rising

show examples

nowadays.

While

some people believe that these are not hazardous I assume that movies and playings which include violence may bring

harms

Fix the agreement mistake

more harm

show examples

than

goods

Fix the agreement mistake

good

show examples

. On the one hand, there are several

reason

Change to a plural noun

reasons

show examples

why people choose to watch these

r-rated

Change the capitalization

R-rated

show examples

films to release their stress. They feel overwhelmed after leaving from a long-lasting work.

Thus

, they need something to ease their feelings. Others

also

claim that

games

are able to assist a person's

strategical

Replace the word

strategic

show examples

skill rather than lead them to perform negative actions.

For example

, war

games

that are available

Change preposition

show examples

some platforms can help people to arrange strategies for daily basis needs.

On the other hand

, majorities are

also

against

this

notion, and they have some

reason

Fix the agreement mistake

reasons

show examples

why movies and violent

games

are considered extremely harmful and

needed

Wrong verb form

need

show examples

to be banned.

Firstly

, They think that the directors of these items create their films and

games

based on

real life

Add a hyphen

real-life

show examples

accidents.

This

can build

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

scenes that are extremely realistic displaying

real life

Add a hyphen

real-life

show examples

blood and actions.

Secondly

, some players can do

Change preposition

apply

show examples

such

free activities in their virtual

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

leading them to behavior changes.

For example

, virtual realities can provide players to do

violences

Change the wording

violence

acts of violence

outbreaks of violence

show examples

among other online players.

This

can lead them to psychological degradations towards

societies

Fix the agreement mistake

society

show examples

Lastly

, movies and

games

can influence individuals who play to an addiction. If the developers do not limit their members it will affect them into an addiction for a longer period of time. In conclusion, even though some groups of societies assume that watching and playing with violent

scene

Fix the agreement mistake

scenes

show examples

are harmless others

also

tend to stop

this

trend. I personally believe that these items can potentially

rise

Verb problem

have

show examples

detrimental sides.

Submitted by misstiasclassroom on Sat Dec 30 2023

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coherence cohesion

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coherence cohesion

Introduction and conclusion are present but need to be clearer in terms of your thesis statement and final opinion. Make sure your opening and closing paragraphs effectively frame your essay.

coherence cohesion

While you do support your main points, the development of these points is superficial at times. Include deeper analysis and more detailed explanations to strengthen the essay.

task achievement

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task achievement

Your essay should have a clearer development of ideas. Focus on expanding your points with clear and comprehensive explanations while maintaining relevance to the prompt.

task achievement

The use of relevant and specific examples is important in strengthening your argument. Include more concrete examples that directly support your points to make your argument more persuasive.

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

289 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

desensitize
aggressive behavior
vulnerable groups
stress relief
media literacy
creative expression
censorship
rating systems
parental guidance
economic implications
mitigate
outlet for aggression

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