IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people spend a lot of money on clothes , haircuts , beauty products to enhance their apperance. Some think its a good way to spend , while others think there are other better options. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #money #clothes #haircuts #beauty #products #apperance #think #options
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In today's society, appearance is an aspect
that is
 viewed keenly by the majority. The existence of social media leads
people
 to have strong urges to show off their
beauty
.
This
 leads to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 immense market for clothes, haircuts, and
beauty
 products.
Due to
this
 trend of high consumerism, two opposite opinions surface regarding these appearance-centric
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
While
 some view it as a good
way
 to spend, others think that their
money
 should be spent on other
aspects
 of life. From my standpoint, there are truths in both perspectives. Through the lens of the consumers, spending
money
 on clothes, haircuts, or
beauty
 products is beneficial. It is a no-brainer that those
things
 will enhance their appearances,
hence
 increasing their self-confidence. Not only does it help improve one's looks, but spending
money
 on those kinds of
things
 may
also
 be a good
way
 for someone to rewind. The term 'retail therapy' has become more and more common these days. It is believed that purchasing
things
 for the sake of one's self has a high correlation
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 lowering their stress level.
Therefore
, it is not a bad idea to spend
money
 with the means of enhancing their
appearances
Fix the agreement mistake
appearance
show examples
 as it might help maintain their mental health. On the other side, a great chunk of
people
 believe that
people
's monthly incomes should be allocated
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 relatively more important
aspects
 of their lives. I do agree that sometimes
people
gets
Change the verb form
get
show examples
 so caught up
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 consumerism for the sake of their happiness that they
ended
Wrong verb form
end
show examples
 up neglecting
things
 that are
way
 more significant,
such
 as food, rents, education, and so on.
Thus
, it is crucial for
people
 to take those other important
aspects
 into account. To summarize, both opinions are equally valuable. In my opinion, spending
money
 on
things
 to enhance our
appearances
Fix the agreement mistake
appearance
show examples
 is a good thing. Through buying new clothes, getting a haircut, and purchasing
beauty
 products, we may gain more self-esteem whilst having our stress reduced.
However
, it is just as crucial for us to keep in mind
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the other
aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 life that
also
 require
money
. After considering both of its benefits, I believe that
beauty
-related consumerism is acceptable as long as we know our priorities. If there is a primary need in life
that is
 more urgent at the moment, it will be highly recommended for the
money
 allocation to be focused on that
instead
. In conclusion, as functioning human beings, when it comes to spending our
money
, we need to be able to set a priority list and have self-control. That
way
, we'd be able to differentiate between a need for momentary happiness and an actual urgency.
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task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, which is expanded upon with sufficient detail.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points. This could include statistics, quotes, or anecdotal evidence to make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Maintain the logical flow of ideas throughout the essay. You've done well in constructing a structured response, but ensure that connections between ideas and paragraphs are seamless.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both well-crafted. You've articulated your thesis statement and summarised your argument effectively at the end. Maintain this level of clarity throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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