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Band 3

Many manfactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which casues many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #casues #health #people
Sugar is widely used in prepared food which brings about a lot of side effects. That's why Health-conscious persons believe these products should have a higher
price
 to limit their usage. I agree with
this
 statement because the higher
price
 affects the community's purchase power
as well as
 the
manufactures'
Correct your spelling
manufacturers'
show examples
 profit.
Firstly
, when it comes to
buy
Change the verb form
buying
show examples
 an item, its
price
 plays a leading factor in
Correct article usage
the descision
show examples
descision
Correct your spelling
decision
 making. The higher the item's
price
, the lower
chance
Correct article usage
the chance
show examples
to be
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 selected. To illustrate, many people have nine-to-five
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 with limited income
thus
 they cannot afford expensive items.
Moreover
, food is the second largest portion of a
family
Change noun form
family's
show examples
 monthly
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
.
Therefore
, if a family wants to consume sugary goods, it would bring about a huge cost on the shoulders of the father. So he is highly unlikely to turn to these expensive products.
Secondly
,
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the
price
 of sugar-made food vanishes its financial benefits for the companies. The main reason for using sugar as an additive in many products is that not only does it lead to a better taste, but
also
 it reduces the
production's
Change noun form
production
show examples
 cost. In the case of an increase in
price
,
then
 these companies need hard sell which shrinks their revenue.
Therefore
, they would stop its usage. In conclusion, I believe in order to decrease the
using
Replace the word
use
show examples
 of sugar, the
price
 of sugar-made items should increase. Because not only does it prevent the public from using them but
also
 companies will have no intensive for production any more.
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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. The response should be more developed to fulfil the requirements of the task. The essay presents a viewpoint but lacks comprehensive development and depth.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to support coherence throughout your essay. Some ideas lack clear connections and transitions which can disrupt the flow of your arguments. Work on creating seamless transitions between your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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