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Band 1

2.Many parents in Vietnam invest heavily into their child’s education hoping for the best.Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #vietnam #child’s #education #outweigh
The main drawback associated with investing heavy money into the education system is related to the shortage of
cost
for
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of
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 living. To put it simply, many people who live in
countryside
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the countryside
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 in Vietnam believe that children only need to study to pass
the
Correct article usage
apply
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high school and start to work so as to increase the
cost
living
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of living
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, if parents spend
amount
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the amount
an amount
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 of money on education, it will be hurt for
cost
 for living that may lead to the poor condition
according
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according to
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 all the generation.
However
, the fact that when their child realize how hard for their parents to handle the
fee
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fees
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, they will make a big effort
on
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to
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 study to be worthy
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
their parent’s
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parent’s
Fix the agreement mistake
parents’
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 money and
also
 that will motivate students to go toward
to get
Verb problem
apply
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success.
Thus
, being lack of
cost
 of living is not a big deal in
this
 situation.
Submitted by  11E4 Community on

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coherence cohesion
The essay you've submitted partially addresses the prompt, but there is significant room for improvement in all areas to meet the IELTS standards. Regarding task achievement, the response is incomplete and does not discuss both the advantages and disadvantages thoroughly. Try to present clear and comprehensive ideas addressing the prompt directly. When writing, make sure each paragraph contains one clear main idea and that the examples provided are directly relevant to the topic at hand. To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Logical connectors and transition words can also improve the flow of your arguments. Supporting your main points with specific, pertinent examples will allow the reader to understand your viewpoint better.
task achievement
Task response could be improved by fully responding to the task and ensuring that all parts of the task are covered. Make sure to state your position clearly and develop your argument with appropriate reasons and examples. Address both the benefits and drawbacks equally to provide a balanced discussion. Moreover, your essay currently does not have a clear conclusion summarizing your position; adding this would strengthen your task achievement score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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