IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that a strong economy can make people in society happy. Others believe that the happiness of a nation depends on other factors also. Which idea do you agree with?

#people #economy #society #happiness #nation #factors #idea
Achieving
happiness
 seems to be one of the strongest
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
 of every human being, so it can be defined on a social scale as every society consists of individuals. A question that would arise here is whether the economic
factors
 can lead to social
happiness
 or, other
factors
 should be accountable for that. I firmly believe that there is a wide range of
factors
, some of which are not related to
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 at all,
contribute
Correct pronoun usage
that contribute
show examples
 to a positive sense among
people
 in a community. Given that one’s economic power appears to play an integral role in the sense of
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 and satisfaction,
while
 the
people
 facing problems
such
 as inflation, unemployment, and corruption may affect their satisfaction adversely.
However
, it doesn’t mean that economic growth will definitely cause social
happiness
, as the example of India clearly illustrates. Taking a brief look at the happiest countries around the world, they are not necessarily the wealthiest ones or the ones with booming economies. Based on contemporary publications on the happiest nations, take the instance of Scandinavian countries, social security and stability are crucial
factors
 here. As mentioned before, economic development cannot exclusively create welfare. By the same token, economic growth sometimes is created at the cost of class division and conflicts.
Moreover
, high quality
democracy
Replace the word
democratic
show examples
 community creates a
contexts
Correct the article-noun agreement
context
show examples
 in which
people
 can exercise their will,
have
Correct word choice
and have
show examples
 freedom of speech and thoughts, especially in
a totalitarian regimes
Correct the article-noun agreement
a totalitarian regime
totalitarian regimes
show examples
bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
show examples
 about social growth and
happiness
. By way of explanation, the communities characterized by paying attention to family as a social institute, and personal development like doing sports and learning new things are in the top ranks among the happiest societies. In brief, I hold the view that regarding the positive feeling of
happiness
 among the
people
, various
factors
 should be taken into account, those that intertwine with economic criteria.
Submitted by Haniehfathi98 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and expands on it with appropriate supporting details. The logical flow between ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion were identified but could be strengthened to better frame the essay. Remember to paraphrase the question in the introduction and clearly state your position.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more concrete and specific examples to support your points. Examples help in illustrating your arguments and making your essay more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be careful of grammatical errors and ensure that sentence structures are varied and accurately constructed. Proofread your work to eliminate mistakes.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the prompt. Expand on your ideas fully and make sure to discuss both views if the question requires it, even if you’re taking a clear stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: