IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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With the high consumption of sugary products over time that has led to severe medical conditions
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, I agree with the idea of
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
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 the price of these products as a way to discourage people from consuming
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 on a regular basis. The reason for
that is
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 it is one of the fastest and most effective
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
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 to bring out remarkable results other than the traditional ones. As for consumers of anything, price is one of the major considerations when it comes to shopping
groceries
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for groceries
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. In
comparision
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with the increase in general food categories subject to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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inflation on going, sweets, coke, and other products containing a great amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 are way too accessible and more affordable.
As a result
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, people are just secretly pushed to that end and
then
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 are seen to have more likelihood of contracting relevant medical
considtions
Correct your spelling
considerations
conditions
due to
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 an
increasing
Replace the word
increase
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of
Change preposition
in
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sugar
Use synonyms
 intake.
For instance
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,
America
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in America
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 in 2015
got
Verb problem
apply
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35% more of the population
diagnosed
Add a missing verb
was diagnosed
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 with obesity and overweight resulting from their bad food choices.
Consequently
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, as soon as the increased pricing targeting
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 addicts is implemented, there will definitely be a noticeable decrease in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumption. In many economies, costs are the driving elements towards consumer behaviours that are often determined by governments if they want to achieve a quick result within a short period of time.
For instance
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, in 2005, children in the UK were reported to buy
less
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fewer
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 lollies since they were made overpriced
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 did not suit the pocket money given by their parents. In conclusion, I support the recommendation of lifting up prices of unhealthy food and beverages that consist much of
sugar
Use synonyms
 as a method to shift consumers' mindset to a more healthy diet to prevent the chance of medical problems.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly addresses the prompt and presents your viewpoint effectively. Your introduction should set the tone for the essay and include a thesis statement that reflects the extent of your agreement or disagreement.
Task Achievement
Work on developing your main points with a deeper analysis and more nuanced argumentation. You should aim to provide a thorough exploration of the reasons behind your perspective.
Task Achievement
Include more varied and accurate examples to support your arguments. Real-world examples, studies or statistics can significantly enhance the persuasive power of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a more consistent and logical flow of ideas throughout the essay. Aim for clear and purposeful paragraphing, with each paragraph focused on a single main idea that is well-developed and connected to the overall thesis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to structure your essay and connect your ideas more clearly and effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion should summarize the main points discussed in the essay and reaffirm your thesis. It should provide a final, definitive stance on the topic without introducing new information.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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