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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects inaddition to their major subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to their main subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Public concern regarding creating programs to learn supplement
materials
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 in the curriculums becomes increasingly topical since some people argue that it is essential for
students
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only
Fix the infinitive
to only
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 learn and focus on their prime speciality.
To
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In to
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response
Replace the word
respond
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Linking Words
this
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to this
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 aforementioned issue, I explain my arguments
in
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from
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 both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
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 of
views
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view
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 and argue that giving supplementary
for
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to
show examples
students
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 has
postitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 impacts
in
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on
show examples
 their
future
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.
Firstly
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, concerning
main
Change the article
the main
show examples
 speciality forms learners to be specialists who are needed in the
future
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. The reason is they study a
spesific knowladge
Correct your spelling
specific knowledge
 for a long time, so
this
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 activity can enhance their skills and
understandings
Fix the agreement mistake
understanding
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
materials
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. Take Finlandia as one example, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most universities,
freshmans
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freshmen
freshman
 have to follow the programs which were generated to create specialists.
Therefore
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, these activities consist of four years to sharpen
students
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' brains and prepare them to be expertises in the
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
 field.
However
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, sometimes
students
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 change their preference in the
mid
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middle
show examples
 of the term since they feel uncomfortable with their major because of the difficulties they should overcome.
However
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,
students
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 do not have sufficient
acknowlages
Correct your spelling
acknowledgement
 to select
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 appropriate majors
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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they prefer.
On the other hand
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, studying additional
materials
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 gives positive developments for the upcoming life
due to
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 the
board
Change noun form
board's
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 understanding. The reason is that they can explore any
materials
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 which
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 want, so they can experience about what field they are suitable
or
Change preposition
for or
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 not.
Therefore
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, they can decide the right decision related to their specification in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
future
Use synonyms
 by
weighting
Correct your spelling
weighing
show examples
 many considerations that they faced
while
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 learning from various resources. Another reason is that the program still
place
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places
show examples
 the primary major as the priority so the student can still learn and focus without abandoning it.
Therefore
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, they can have a wide choice when they
face to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
search
jobs
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for jobs
show examples
 because they have enormous skills.
To sum up
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, even though focusing on one major can form specialities for
students
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, it will be not flexible if
students
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 tend to change their destiny.
In contrast
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, adding other
materials
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 in
students
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'
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 in university
give
Verb problem
has
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 beneficial impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
students
Use synonyms
'
future
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 because of the board
knowlage
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knowledge
 and skills for
jobs
Change the noun form
job
show examples
 requirements.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical flow and clear progression of ideas. The essay could benefit from improved paragraph transitions and better organization of thoughts to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Make sure you have a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the topic and your opinion clearly. While both were present, they were not as clear and impactful as they needed to be.
coherence cohesion
Ensure main points are well-developed and supported by clear, relevant examples. While you presented several ideas, the support provided lacked depth and specificity, making the arguments less persuasive.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the task by discussing both views and providing a clear opinion. While you attempted to cover the requirements of the task, the depth of the discussion was somewhat superficial, and the opinion was not consistently clear throughout the essay.
task achievement
Present clear and comprehensive ideas throughout your response. Several ideas were introduced but not developed fully, leading to a lack of comprehensiveness.
task achievement
Use relevant, specific examples to strengthen your arguments. The essay lacked concrete examples to illustrate the points being made, making it harder for the reader to understand your perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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