IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries crime is increasing. What are the main reasons for this? What can be done to improve the situation? Support your position with relevant examples and include your own experience.

#countries #crime #situation #support #position
In many nations, the
crime
 rate is going up
due to
 many reasons,
such
 as high unemployment, abuse of drugs and the rise in illegal foreigners, despite
this
 measures can be taken to tackle
this
 development,
for instance
 providing employment prospects
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for the youth, dealing with the
drug
 use problem and tightening the
immigration
laws
. The rising unemployment
rates
 in many
countries
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
consequently
 resulted in many people conducting
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
criminal activities. As individuals fail to get
descent
Correct your spelling
decent
show examples
 jobs they opt to find money to take care of their needs and wants through illegal ways
for example
 by stealing, fraud and robberies. For illustration
countries
 with high unemployment
rates
 record high
crime
rates
 annually. Illegal
immigration
,
furthermore
, results in higher
crime
rates
. A lot of foreigners enter
into
Change preposition
apply
show examples
neighbouring
countries
 fleeing from being penalised
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their bad deeds in their mother
countries
 and
as a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they break
laws
 in the country they migrate to.
Drug
 abuse has
also
 become a driver of
crime
. Many
drug
 addicts end up engaging in crimes because they will be under the influence of toxic substances.
However
, there are solutions that can be employed to deal with the problem of increasing
crime
 in many
countries
. The government can provide
unemploynment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 benefits to everyone who doesn't have a job
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 for them to access basic needs even though it motivates people to be lazy.
Also
, it can employ effective policies that can boost the economy and attract foreign
entreprenuars
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
 to invest in their country thereby increasing jobs.
Moreover
, tightening
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
drug
 trafficking
laws
 and penalising anyone found in possession and influence of these toxic substances can reduce the
crime
 rate. For illustration,
countries
 that have strict
drug
laws
such
 as Bangladesh and China
were
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
 anyone found in possession of drugs is put on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 death penalty or life in jail have recorded a fall in
crime
rates
.
Lastly
 , tightening
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
country
boarders
Correct your spelling
borders
show examples
 can help reduce
immigration
. In conclusion, even though , the
crime
 rate
keep
Change the verb form
keeps
show examples
 growing in many nations because of illegal
immigration
 and
drug
 abuse , strict
measure
Change the noun form
measures
show examples
such
 as introducing tight
immigration
laws
 and favourable economic policies can help deal with
such
 a challenging development.
Submitted by karigaruvimbo on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear logical structure with each paragraph discussing a distinct idea or point. Connect ideas with appropriate linking words and maintain paragraph unity.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion were present and functional but could be strengthened by refining the thesis statement and concluding remarks to more effectively mirror each other, thus enhancing the clarity of the essay's overall argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
While some main points were supported, aim to provide deeper analyses and more specific examples to substantiate the arguments presented. Avoid generalizations and strive for concrete evidence to support your points.
Task Achievement
A complete response to the task was provided, but it should be developed more fully to address all parts of the prompt. Expand on reasons, implications, and solutions with more depth and detail.
Task Achievement
Work on presenting ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Your writing should elucidate each point with precision, avoiding broad or vague statements without clear connections to the topic.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples that are directly linked to the topic and the points being made. Use personal experience or factual instances to illustrate your ideas, which could greatly strengthen the essay's persuasiveness

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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