Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your experience.

There is a view that
children
's extracurricular
activities
should be done for educational purposes,
while
others
opinion's
Change the noun form
opinions
opinion
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
not. I totally disagree with the statement. In my opinion,
children
have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
to enjoy various
activities
, not just educational events.
This
essay will discuss why I oppose
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the statement. On the one hand,
children
can broaden their horizons by actively participating in various
activities
such
as sports, art, and
volunteer
Wrong verb form
volunteering
show examples
. By engaging in
such
activities
,
Children
can learn cooperation and communication skills, which are essential abilities needed as a member of society.
Moreover
, these soft skills
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
sometimes much more important than one's academic ability.
Leisure
activities
which may not
helpful
Add a missing verb
be helpful
show examples
to improve
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
intellectual foundation, can make
children
grow in a balanced way.
On the other hand
,
such
leasiure
Correct your spelling
leisure
activities
that are even irrelevant to academic
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
can eventually help
children
study better. A number of studies have shown that extracurricular
activities
enhance
children
's concentration,
therefore
,
children
who participate
various
Change preposition
in various
show examples
activieis
Correct your spelling
activities
are more likely to outperform in tests than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
don't.
That is
one of the reasons why many universities take
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
into account students' extracurricular
activities
when they proceed admission process.
Hence
, technically speaking,
leisure
activities
that are
seemed
Correct your spelling
deemed
show examples
to be
uneducational
Correct your spelling
un educational
,
are actually link
Change the verb form
are actually linked
show examples
to
children
's academic performance.
To sum up
,
leisure
activities
whether related to educational or
uneducational
Correct your spelling
noneducational
, can improve
children
's soft skills and actually
helpful
Replace the word
help
show examples
to achieve better academic results. For those reasons, I disagree with the statement that all
leisure
activities
should be educational. All
children
deserve to enjoy
leisure
activities
if they have positive effects.
Submitted by ywb516 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear logical flow. Each idea should be clearly introduced, explained and then summed up. The transitions between the points could be smoother for better readability.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to clearly reflect your position, making sure they encapsulate your argument and restate your opinion firmly.
Task Achievement
Supporting examples need to be more detailed and specific. Instead of general statements about what studies show, including specific findings from actual studies to substantiate your claims would be more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Address the prompt fully by making sure to discuss both sides of the argument when required. Expand on why some believe educational leisure activities are not a waste of time while also explaining your own stance.

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