IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both sides ans give your own opinion.

#people #culture #tourism #revenue #ans
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Part of the world believes that earning from foreigners who were visiting their
countries
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 can be harmful to the cultural aspect of
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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countries
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while
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 others think that can be the one right path to save the
culture
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. I
also
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 agree with the fact that tourists can be
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 to keeping the cultural side of a
country
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 safe. Generally, some people think that tourists can affect their traditions because their cultures are
are
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apply
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vary from
country
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 to
country
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. So, some citizens tend to wrap up foreign cultures without thinking about their traditional ways. As a Srilankan, in my
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country
Add a comma
country,
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 most citizens don't even pay attention
on
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to
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 native products.
Moreover
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, some of them even
forgetting
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forget
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 their mother
toungue
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tongue
.
For instance
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, as a srilankan so many srilankans like to wear foreign clothes more than
hand made
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handmade
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 srilankan clothes.
Nevertheless
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, tourists give more value
on
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to
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 traditional things
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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than natives. Many foreigners give their whole respect to other
tradtions
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traditions
.
Also
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, most of them even spend
lot
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a lot
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 of money on buying cultural gifts.
Furthermore
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,
tourism
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the tourism
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 industry is one of the vital incoming
method
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methods
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 of many
countries
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.
For example
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,
In Srilanka
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in Sri Lanka,
 we earn more than half of
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
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 income from
tourism
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the tourism
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 industry. The important point is that visitors from another
country
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 always give their
intrest
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interest
 on the
culture
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 of
a
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an
show examples
other
Change the wording
another country
other countries
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country
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. Because of that, many people keep their cultural things safe to show them. From
this
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 actual
culture
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 of a
country
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 can be protected without a
dout
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doubt
. In a nutshell, It is true that some traditions can be affected through mixing cultures. Even so, today tourism plays a vital part in saving
culture
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.
Likewise
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, it is becoming the main income method of many
countries
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 to save their
culutres
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cultures
culture
.
Submitted by darshanadnj20 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a clear and distinct introduction and conclusion. The introduction should outline the topic and briefly summarize the main points that will be discussed. The conclusion should recap the discussion and clearly state your position. This could help to improve the overall structure and presentation of your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure each paragraph has one main idea and that the paragraphs are arranged in a logical order. Transition words can help to link your ideas smoothly, ensuring the reader can follow the progression of your argument without difficulty.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task sufficiently by discussing both sides and providing your opinion, try to be more comprehensive in your approach. Expand on your ideas by explaining them more thoroughly and make your personal stance more pronounced throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your main points. Your arguments would be more persuasive and grounded if you provide empirical evidence, case studies, or statistics. Also, ensure the examples are directly relevant to the point you are trying to make.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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