IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe that other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centers can provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#families #parents #members #grandparents #care #children #childcare #centers
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the 21st century, dual-income families revel in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better financial hold and are likely to undergo less monetary stress. The question arises who should take responsibility for their
children
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 Some people believe that the
children
 should be taken
care
 of by other family members.
However
, other people think that
child
Correct your spelling
childcare
show examples
care
 can provide the best
care
 for their
children
.
This
 essay will discuss both points of view and give a viewpoint.
Firstly
,
children
 being taken
care
 of by
grandparents
 or the rest of the family members has both ups and downs to a certain extent. In terms of goodness, having a guardian as a blood relative can be the best option for looking after
children
.
For example
,
grandparents
 are willing to establish a strong bond with their grandchild and they always try to be nice to them by fulfilling the wishes of a grandchild.
Moreover
, the
grandparents
 are
so
Rephrase
very
show examples
 experienced in raising the
child
, which can be beneficial for the parents
for focusing
Change preposition
to focus
show examples
 more on their respective careers.
Similarly
, sending
children
 to a well-known
child
Correct your spelling
childcare
show examples
care
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 is
also
 a good option for parents who have nuclear families where
grandparents
 are not there.
For instance
,
child
care
 centers are well organized and well maintained and the employees are fully trained as it is an occupation for them and they know what is right and wrong for the
child
.
However
, the
child
 can be beneficial at a
care
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 where physical development is
also
 taken into consideration.
Furthermore
, the
children
 will be able to face the world by interacting with other humans.
To conclude
, in
this
 competitive world, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 are exposed to
face
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the world by
child
care
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
then
 I strongly believe that it is the best option.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good. However, the logical flow between ideas can be improved. Consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices and more explicit topic sentences to make your argument clearer.
task achievement
You have addressed all parts of the task and provided a clear opinion in the conclusion, which is positive. However, developing arguments with more comprehensive explanations and introducing more relevant examples would enhance your essay considerably.
task achievement
To improve your responses, work on providing specific examples rather than just stating general observations. This will make your arguments more convincing and give weight to the points you are trying to convey.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: