IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think certain prisoner should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind the bars. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #prisoner #community #work #bars
In the modern era, it is believed that some criminals should do volunteer
community
jobs
instead
 of being in jail.
This
 issue has a lot of advantages and I completely agree with it.
Hence
, I'm going to explain my reasons in the rest of
this
 essay. On one hand, the advocates of working
instead
 of being in prison for
prisoners
 tout its many advantages.
Firstly
, criminals hurt society in diverse aspects. But putting them into jail doesn'
t
 repair it. So, they can offset it by doing unpaid
community
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and
benefit
Wrong verb form
benefiting
show examples
 people and the environment.
Secondly
, most criminals do illegal
jobs
 just because they don'
t
 have any useful
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 or there isn'
t
 any job that they can fit in.
Therefore
, they can hone their skills
while
 they're passing their trial and even go
further
 and make
jobs
 for other individuals.
Thirdly
,
prisoners
 can explain their mistakes to other youth and advise them to not
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 these illegal
jobs
 which can reduce the crime rate in a nation. Finland,
for instance
, has the lowest crime rate in the world and the government even pays
prisoners
 to guide the other individuals and contribute them to not repeat their mistakes.
On the other hand
, allowing
prisoners
 to be in society has some critics. Sometimes, people resist accepting individuals who have done bad things in the past.
Thus
,
this
 can motivate them to repeat their previous awful
jobs
.
Additionally
, some of these
prisoners
 can be dangerous to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and even encourage other youth to commit a crime.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
last
 year in the
US.
Correct your spelling
US
 a criminal
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 was supposed to clean the streets
instead
 of being in jail, ran away and attacked a school
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
killed
Wrong verb form
killing
show examples
 23 children and
injured
Wrong verb form
injuring
show examples
 several teachers.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 contrast, the issue of doing
community
jobs
 for
prisoners
 is getting worldwide, which I think is a positive development. But,
this
 law should be adopted for
prisoners
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 don'
t
 threaten the
community
 to retain the safety of people too.
Submitted by yasinkooshki13866 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
It is crucial to structure your essay with a clear introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. In this case, the introduction should outline the key points that will be discussed, the body paragraphs should explore the advantages and disadvantages separately, and the conclusion should summarize the discussion and state your position clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction requires a thesis statement that outlines your arguments succinctly. The conclusion should restate your position and summarize the main arguments without introducing new information.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains one main idea and several supporting sentences that develop this idea. Avoid listing multiple ideas in one paragraph without adequate explanation or development.
Task Achievement
You are expected to answer all parts of the prompt clearly. This essay would benefit from a clearer position in your stance on the topic throughout, rather than only at the beginning and end of the essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay should contain specific examples that support your arguments. The example of Finland is relevant, but the example from the US needs to be more precise in terms of the factual information provided (name, place, and source).
Task Achievement
While your essay provides an opinion, it should also offer a more balanced view by discussing the other side of the argument in more detail. Each paragraph should compare both points of view concerning unpaid community work vs. imprisonment before you come to a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Reintegration
  • Recidivism
  • Reform
  • Restorative justice
  • Incarceration
  • Community service
  • Public safety
  • Skill development
  • Moral obligation
  • Punitive measures
  • Economic efficiency
  • Social consequences
  • Corrective action
  • Non-violent offenders
  • Justice system
  • Public opinion
  • Victim restitution
What to do next:
Look at other essays: