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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is important to people to take risks, Both in Their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outway the disadvantages?

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The importance of
Use synonyms
risk taking
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risk-taking
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 has been a matter of debate.
While
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 some elites find it dangerous for the public, I strongly believe its pros in professional and personal lives outweigh its cons. Regarding drawbacks, being a
risk
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 taker might not be the best practice in all situations, it highly
deponds
Correct your spelling
depends
 on factors that neither firms nor individuals do not control.
Firstly
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, macro-economy is a leading factor in business,
for instance
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, when
country
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the country
a country
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 is facing high
inflations
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inflation
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 and many companies are prone to become
bankcrupt
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bankrupt
, people should not run a new business or leave their well-paid jobs.
Secondly
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, age is an important factor, an old retired man should not
risk
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 his
saving
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savings
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 to invest
on
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in
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 Bitcoin, no matter how profitable it could be. Because if his investment fails, he is highly unlikely to manage to make the loss up. When it comes to benefits,
progess
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progress
 in
perofessional
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professional
lifes
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lives
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also
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 requires taking risks.
For instance
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, today, machine learning and blockchain are the leading technologies.
Although
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 they may be replaced by other concepts in the future, those who are seeking a promotion in their career should take a
risk
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 to learn these skills.
Furthermore
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, taking risks is required for self-development.
For example
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, when a person decides to either study at university or
getting
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get
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 a job, he is taking the
risk
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 of becoming jobless in the future.
However
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, if he does not accept its consequences, he would
definetly
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definitely
 end up being jobless. In conclusion, despite the fact that taking risks may bring about detrimental effects based on people's age and the macro-economy, I reckon its advantages in both professional and personal
lifes
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lives
life
 including
a
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apply
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job promotion
as well as
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 self-development overcome its disadvantages.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure all your supporting points are fully expanded to properly scaffold your argument and clarify your position. While you have structure to your paragraphs, further depth and explanation can strengthen coherence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should encapsulate the main idea with sufficient breadth and depth. You have the necessary components but refine these for greater impact and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a balance between ideas presented as advantages and disadvantages to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the essay topic.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task to ensure a complete response. Be sure to fully develop your stance with adequately detailed ideas.
task achievement
Elaborate on your ideas to ensure they are comprehensible and complete. The clearer and more comprehensive your ideas are, the better the reader will understand your perspective
task achievement
Use specific examples that are directly relevant to your argument to support your views. Each example should be well-chosen to illustrate the point being made.
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