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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, youngsters are more pressured than in the past in order to reach academic success.
Therefore
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, some people argue that non-academic disciplines ought to be taken away from schools, so as to let
students
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 focus on the most important
subjects
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. Personally, I strongly disagree, in
fact
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fact,
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students
Use synonyms
 should keep on studying non-academic
subjects
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. First and foremost,
students
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 during their academic career have to deal with numerous expectations and
this
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 is the reason why they feel so overwhelmed.
Therefore
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, even if some
subjects
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 were removed,
this
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 would not solve the problem. To illustrate, an important American study demonstrated that almost 80% of the pressure a student feels is
due to
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 others' expectations, not to
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Correct article usage
the subjects
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subjects
Correct article usage
the subjects
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 themselves.
Thus
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, changing school plans without varying the entire environment would not be effective.
Secondly
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, practical
subjects
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, like physical education, do not take up so much time
like
Replace the word
as
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 classic disciplines do.
For instance
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, in regards to
cookery
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cookery,
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 the whole time spent on
this
Linking Words
 subject is the one spent during classes. In fact,
students
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 do not receive
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 and
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moreover
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moreover,
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 they find cooking very relaxing, so it is actually a regenerating class rather than a stressful one.
Furthermore
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, doing practical activities at school can improve the physical health of the
students
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, avoiding medical issues like obesity or heart problems. To summarise, removing some
subjects
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 from the study plan would not result in anything good, since it would not reduce people's expectations towards
students
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 but rather it would make them more stressed, by taking
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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away their moments of
vent
Wrong verb form
venting
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 during schooltime.

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task achievement
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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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