Some people believe that time spent on electronic games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
The communities state that
gadget
usage
by young people
will impact their future when facing advanced technology. But some others explain that is
a bad situation
for kids if they depend on gadget
usage
. In my opinion, I believe that the parent will protect their family from gadget
usage
illness. I will discuss some reasons why people
must protect themselves from the bad habit of using the gadget
.
I start with the lack of conditions on psychology the person has devoted time
to the phone. This
situation
puts the consumer in their comfort zone, and they feel that they do not need other people
to communicate. In the long situation
, this
condition will make that people
be introvet
. Correct your spelling
introverted
For example
, a kid with his/her gadget
playing in the room but their friend playing too without a gadget
. This
situation
shows that the kid with a gadget
does not want to follow their friend together.
Next,
I will discuss how gadget
usage
correlates with our health indirectly. The person who devotes much time
to gadgets will have less movement. For instance
, They play with gadgets rather than do exercise. This
condition will improve the risk be obesity in young period. This
old needs a rich movement to increase their bond density and muscular mass. In fact, the younger ones only stay in their room and do not have any movement, just lying in bed for a long time
.
In conclusion, a child who devotes time
to the gadget
harms psychologically and biologically.Submitted by endangsepdanius on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and balanced structure. The introduction does not effectively set the context for the discussion of both views. Aim to present a more focused topic sentence which clearly outlines the two differing views on the impact of electronic games on children. The conclusion should succinctly summarize these points while also reinforcing your own stance.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, connect your ideas more effectively. This includes using transitional words and phrases to link sentences and ideas more clearly. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea in a logical sequence. Avoid presenting new, unrelated ideas within the same paragraph.
task achievement
To address task achievement, ensure you discuss both views on the issue, providing clear and specific examples for each point of view. Your opinion should be explicit and well-integrated into the discussion. Back up your points with relevant, in-depth examples, and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic by covering all the required aspects of the task.
task achievement
Refine your response to present your ideas more comprehensively. You need to fully develop your arguments and present a more nuanced treatment of the topic. Both sides of the argument should be considered equally and their corresponding implications or examples should be adequately explored.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite