in some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from healthy problem as a result of eating too much fast food. it is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extend do you agree or disagree ?
Obese and any other
healthy
problems become the things that Replace the word
health
common
in many countries around the world. Add a missing verb
are common
This
disease gradually become
justified by the community Change the verb form
becomes
especially
for those who are reckless Add the comma(s)
, especially
on
what they eat, especially junk Change preposition
about
food
eater
. Fix the agreement mistake
eaters
However
, Correct article usage
the governments
governments
plan to increase the tax on fast Change noun form
governments'
government's
food
to reduce the number of highly processed food
enjoyer
is not the right decision. And Fix the agreement mistake
enjoyers
thus
, this
essay will state why the action is just not right.
First and foremost, marking up the tax price just make
some communities experience Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
the
suffering. Correct article usage
apply
This
is because fast food
was invented to be accessable
for every Correct your spelling
accessible
communities
, Change to a singular noun
community
not to mention
that the placement of the chain restaurants on every corner on
the road Change preposition
of
are
targeted Correct subject-verb agreement
is
for
the customer. Change preposition
at
Nonetheless
, the price was also
originally made for mid to low income
families that Add a hyphen
low-income
dependent
Add a missing verb
are dependent
to make
it as their daily meals. If the government decided to charge them more, it would Change preposition
on making
definetly
just make a new problem like poverty and even hunger Correct your spelling
definitely
instead
of solving ones that already
there.
Add a missing verb
are already
Moreover
, government
should just collaborate with restaurant business Add an article
the government
owner
. Authorities can support Fix the agreement mistake
owners
this
idea by asking the
Correct article usage
apply
restaurant
to put calories, sugar, or even fat on each Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
food
that they serve. This
will trigger some communities and indirectly telling
them to be aware Wrong verb form
tell
with
what they will consume.
Change preposition
of
Lastly
, healthy
lifestyle campaign Correct article usage
a healthy
is need
to be supported and implemented. Governments can take a part in healthcare Wrong verb form
needs
program
by managing Fix the agreement mistake
programs
its system
to be experienced equally by every citizen. People in the community are Fix the agreement mistake
their systems
also
the main key to achieve
Wrong verb form
achieving
the
success in Correct article usage
apply
this
action. People can changing
their Change the verb form
change
be changing
habit
from eating full to eating clean. If every Fix the agreement mistake
habits
elements
in the society Change to a singular noun
element
work
together, it's likely to achieve the main goal.
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
To sum up
, there are still various of
implementations Change preposition
apply
can
be made by the government Correct pronoun usage
that can
instead
of only targeting the tax impose
. Governments should reflect on their action and think about the current condition Change the form of the verb
imposed
on
the community before decidingChange preposition
of
a
long-term plan. Change preposition
on a
Nevertheless
, it's also
important for all human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
maintain
their own health and well-being. Fix the infinitive
to maintain
This
is because their bodies are not anyone else's responsibilities, but themselves.Submitted by writingielts0 on
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Task Achievement
The essay has addressed the task by discussing the implications of increasing tax on fast food, as well as presenting alternative solutions. However, to improve, more development and exploration of the arguments presented are required. Merely touching on points without in-depth analysis or discussion is insufficient. A higher band score can be achieved by expanding on these ideas, delving into how and why increased taxes could lead to poverty and hunger, and explaining the mechanisms through which calorie labeling and healthy lifestyle campaigns could offset the issues caused by fast food consumption.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks clear, consistent progression of ideas. To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a central theme and that all sentences within a paragraph are clearly connected to that theme. Transitions between ideas can be smoothed out with the use of linking words and phrases. Reiteration of key ideas can help reinforce the message and guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the main points of the essay more effectively without introducing new information.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example