IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, the gap between the rich and the poor is widening. What problems does this cause and what solutions can you suggest?

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The economic gaps become a serious problem in many countries. The probable cause behind
this
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 phenomenon is an uneven distribution of
education
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 and the most strategic move to answer
this
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 issue is by multiplying the number of
teachers
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, especially in rural areas. First and foremost, the
education
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gap
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 causes the disparity between society even wider.
This
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 clausal comes with reason. With proper
education
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 provision, the young generation has a weapon to compete in the working realm and
as a result
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, they can pursue decent lives.
However
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, nowadays, many top-tier primary and secondary schools are built only in big cities,
hence
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 it makes children from rural regions
difficult
Correct word choice
apply
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to access
education
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.
For instance
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, 75% of total children in Papua only have elementary school
graduates’
Change noun form
graduates
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 status as there are no secondary schools available in that area.
Thus
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, when we analyse the impact, there are linear correlations between uneven
education
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 levels and the economic
gap
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 in Papua since people who do not receive worthy knowledge will live as it is, cannot seek or fight for better opportunities, and the chain will be whirl until thousands generation after that. The solution to answer those problems is to build
education
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 systems in remote areas and one of the critical aspects is by adding professional
teachers
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.
Teachers
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 are foundations in every learning process and multiplying the numbers of them can guarantee that children will get decent knowledge to support their future.
For example
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, many developing countries have programs to give scholarships to their
teachers
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 from rural cities to pursue higher
education
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 degrees.
This
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 action will not come with no aim. The governments want their awardees to gain
the
Correct article usage
apply
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expertise and come back as agents to train young generations. As the
education
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 level becomes equal, the
gap
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 between society will be minimized.
To sum up
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, many countries face a problem
in
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with
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 the economic
gap
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 among their populations. Since the
education
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gap
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 become the main culprit for
this
Linking Words
 issue, I believe that governments are the main actors in solving
this
Linking Words
 situation. One of the strategic moves is to add
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of qualified
teachers
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 in remote areas since when people get educated, they will have a chance to live a better life.

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task achievement
It's crucial to maintain focus on the question topic throughout the essay. Your introduction should clearly address both elements of the prompt - the reasons for the widening gap between the rich and the poor, and suggested solutions to this problem. Aim for a direct, succinct opening that sets up your essay's structure.
task achievement
For a high score in task response, every part of the task should be addressed. Problems and solutions should be dealt with in separate paragraphs, and the essay should examine both elements in equal measure. Your essay currently focuses more on solutions, which undermines the balance of content that IELTS examiners look for.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your essay progresses logically from the introduction to the conclusion. The body of the essay should expand upon the points raised in the introduction, with clear, cohesive links between paragraphs and ideas. Aim for a more natural flow of points rather than abrupt shifts or loosely related ideas.
coherence cohesion
Cohesive devices are necessary to signal the relationship between ideas and paragraphs. However, they must be varied and not overused. Consider diversifying your transitions and linking phrases to better demonstrate your language skills. Repeated use of elementary phrases like 'First and foremost' or 'To sum up' is to be avoided.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to repeating phrases or words. Synonyms or paraphrasing will demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary, which can positively influence your score. Additionally, avoid informal language and maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.
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