IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centers provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people argue that
grandparents
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 can look after their grandchildren because
grandparents
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 will be entertained and give full
love
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support
Correct word choice
and support
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 to the
children
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.
However
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, others think that it is mandatory for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents
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 to fully raise their
children
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. The writers believed that the first education
center
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centre
show examples
 comes from
family
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a family
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 so
parents
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 should take care of their
children
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 On the one hand, an old man said that
love
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 from
grandparents
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 to their grandchild is unconditional
love
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. By giving the
children
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 to be looked after by
grandparents
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, they will be raised full of
love
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 and will give happiness
for
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to
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 the
grandparents
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. Not only does it offer benefits to the carers, but
also
Linking Words
 the
children
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 will grow up with old educational traditions which are rich in important life values. To exemplify
this
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,
children
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 who come from metropolitan and rich families who usually do not learn about politeness and independence can have the opportunity to be educated with politeness and independent skills.
On the other hand
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, nowadays, many
children
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 lose direction and follow the wrong way because of less control and care from
parents
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.
Consequently
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, the
children
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 will be guided by many people who have different points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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 about good education
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can make them confused to choose what is true or what is wrong.
Moreover
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,
children
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 who have limited attention from their
parents
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 will feel less loved
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will have an effect on their personalities and psychological condition.
For example
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, in Kupang, there is a 12-year-old boy who does not get full attention from his
parents
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 showing unfriendly and bad attitude to his friends because he does not feel caring and
love
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 from his entire life. All in all, the writer totally believes that despite being full of support and
love
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 from
grandparents
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, the best education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 only comes from
parents
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay requires a clear introduction that presents the topic and outlines the intention of the essay. The current introduction must clarify the points that will be discussed to allow the reader to understand your direction.
coherence cohesion
There's a lack of clarity in the essay structure. Each paragraph should have its purpose, and the transition between them should be smoother. This essay jumps from one idea to another without clear linking or signaling phrases.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each main point in your body paragraphs is well-supported by concrete examples or explanations to demonstrate its validity. While you have provided examples, they could be more specific and directly connected to the assertions made.
task achievement
While the essay partially answers the task, it neglected to discuss the view pertaining to childcare centers and the writer's own opinion is not sufficiently clear or well-developed. For a higher score, always address all parts of the prompt.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates an attempt to present ideas, but they should be explained more comprehensively. Task achievement involves not just listing points, but elaborating them to showcase a complete understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Relevant examples are good, but they must be well-integrated into your argument. Ensure that examples directly support your points and are clearly linked to the main topic of the paragraph.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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