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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#families #parents #members #grandparents #care #children #childcare #centres
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Currently, many parents tend to be busy working, and they need to rely on someone else to take care of their offspring.
While
 some people think
childcare
 organisations can offer the best care, I would argue that
children
 should be looked after by their
grandparents
 On the one hand, it is believed that youngsters should be sent to
childcare
 centres for some reasons. The first one is that since those centres are professional organisations, their staff are often well trained and
therefore
 have good babysitting skills.
For example
, when a child falls over and gets himself injured, the staff can react quickly and give him first aid.
Furthermore
,
children
 can have a chance to make friends with their peers when coming there, which might increase their communication and language abilities. If they are looked after by their family at home, they might feel a bit lonely.
On the other hand
, I believe it is a better idea for
grandparents
 to take care of their grandchildren.
Firstly
, as
grandparents
 have lived for many years and have brought up their own offspring, they have much more experience in raising
children
.
For instance
, they might know how to calm the baby down when he cries.
Secondly
,
grandparents
 are family members, so they love their grandchildren more than other people do.
As a result
, they tend to spend much more time and effort caring for their grandchildren compared to a
childcare
 staff member.
Finally
, youngsters looked after by their
grandparents
 are likely to become more family-oriented and appreciate the value of a happy family. In conclusion,
while
 there are some benefits of
children
 being sent to
childcare
 centres, I believe their own
grandparents
 should raise them.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Ensure to address all parts of the task. While the essay provides a clear position and discusses both views, there is a slight imbalance in the development of each view which impacts the overall completeness of the response. Therefore, providing equal elaboration on both views is crucial.
task achievement
Work on expanding and supporting your main points with more detailed and varied examples. The provided examples are relevant, but they could be more specific and illustrative to strengthen your argument and help achieve a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Maintain the coherence throughout the essay by improving logical sequence and paragraph transitions. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, but there are opportunities for creating smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs for a more cohesive essay.
coherence cohesion
Continue to include introduction and conclusion paragraphs as they are integral to the structure of the essay. Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing both sides of the argument before stating your final opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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