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Band 5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #sports #children
Nowadays, there is an ongoing notion that students at high school should do free community service for the government as a part of the curriculum. These services include working for a charity, teaching sports to younger children etc.
Nevertheless
, I fully disagree with
this
 belief and will present its possible disadvantages. With the free usage of young labour by the government, there will arise a
problem
 when many
jobs
 lose their value,
such
jobs
 as coaches, teachers etc, because these positions will be covered by unpaid labour and
this
 will eventually make these
jobs
 lose their market value.
Moreover
, it is
also
 important to consider that these so-called workers would not be motivated under these circumstances if their work was undervalued.
For example
, in the Soviet Union, various obligatory services forced the youth to work under dismal conditions without pay.
Hence
, many teenagers preferred to avoid
such
jobs
 by various means,
afterwards
Add a comma
afterwards,
show examples
 the national committee resolved
this
problem
 with the closure of the programme.
Moreover
, the implementation of
such
programme
Correct article usage
a programme
show examples
 will be a headache for scholars owing to the fact that many people feel
pressurised
Verb problem
pressured
show examples
 in high school by exams and the transition to full-time work.
Therefore
,
this
 measure will only aggravate the existing
problem
 by putting unnecessary responsibility on their shoulders.
In other words
,
this
 will not alleviate the existing
problem
, as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 consequence of
such
 measures, it will only create new problems that will emerge eventually in the long term. In conclusion, considering all the previously mentioned information, it would be reasonable to say that
such
 measures will only aggravate pre-existing
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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structure
Your essay would benefit from a clearer structure by including an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and progress logically.
cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph within the body of the essay focuses on a single point or argument that supports your overall position. Use linking words to create coherence and clearly indicate the relationship between ideas.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction should clearly state your opinion on the topic. The conclusion should summarise the main points and reiterate your view without introducing new information.
task response
Providing specific examples to support your points is important. Try to use real-world evidence or hypothetical scenarios that directly relate to your arguments to illustrate your points better.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory
  • high school programmes
  • unpaid community service
  • charity
  • improving the neighbourhood
  • teaching sports
  • sense of responsibility
  • empathy
  • broader perspective
  • societal issues
  • college applications
  • job applications
  • positive impact
What to do next:
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