IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Smoking is a major cause of serious illness and death throughout the world today. In the interest of public health, governments should ban cigarettes and other tobacco products. Do you agree or disagree?

#illness #death #world #interest #health #governments #ban #cigarettes #tobacco #products
In the developing world, the majority of people are addicted to a variety of tobacco
products
. Throughout the world, individuals are crazy about smoking, especially, youngsters.
This
 essay discusses why specific
products
 should be excluded from society and I could explain my decision about
this
 topic. In today’s era of modernization, it is an indisputable fact that companies are producing several
products
however
, we can see detrimental items
such
 as alcohol and tobacco. As everything has pros and cons, it has
also
 some benefits and bad effects. From the perspective of some people, smoking plays a vital role in the financial side. Most companies earn money through these types of goods.
As a result
, citizens consume some kind of harmful things and the demand for these is increasing day by day. In some cases, smoking is allowed in a number of countries but it is not permitted in some places
such
 as Singapore, the UAE, France and Egypt.
On the other hand
, there are some negative impacts on people’s lifestyles and health problems. The principal reason is that smoking causes serious illness not only to smokers but
also
 to chain smokers. It is apparent that the involvement of the government has a great impact on the number of people who smoke in a country. These kinds of cigarettes lead to sort of diseases.
For example
, lung cancer, respiratory disorders and alarming illnesses.
As a consequence
, it would deter youngsters from
this
 way at an early age. In conclusion, it is crucial for governments to set rules
as well as
 regulations to reduce the consumption of cigarettes as smoking has devastating effects on public health
instead
 of banning
such
products
.
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, fully developed body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion. The current structure lacks clarity and precision in conveying the main points.
coherence cohesion
Connect ideas and paragraphs using a variety of cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by subsequent sentences. Transitional phrases are absent or incorrect, leading to a lack of logical flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task and present a clear position throughout the response. The current essay does not fully agree or disagree with the ban on cigarettes, leaving the final position somewhat ambiguous.
task achievement
Include specific examples and detailed explanations to support main points. The examples provided are generic and do not add substantive support to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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