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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey about people's coffee and tea buying habits in five Australian cities. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey about people's coffee and tea buying habits in five Australian cities. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.
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The bar chart illustrates the habits of
people
Use synonyms
 for buying
coffee
Use synonyms
 and tea in Australian
cities
Use synonyms
, namely, Sydney, Melbourne,
Brisban
Use synonyms
,
Adelaide
Use synonyms
 and
Hobart
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 4 weeks, most of the
cities
Use synonyms
 show that
people
Use synonyms
 went to a cafe for
coffee
Use synonyms
 or tea, except
Adelaide
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 fewer
people
Use synonyms
 bought fresh
coffee
Use synonyms
. Another kind
such
Linking Words
 as instant
coffee
Use synonyms
 is in the middle position and numbers. It can be seen that the percentages of fresh
coffee
Use synonyms
 in every city are lower than the others.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the share of
Brisban
Use synonyms
 is the smallest city where
people
Use synonyms
purchased
Wrong verb form
purchase
show examples
 fresh
coffee
Use synonyms
, only one-third of
people
Use synonyms
. Sydney and Melbourne show a small difference for fresh
coffee
Use synonyms
 which can be looked
,
Change preposition
at, it
show examples
it
Correct your spelling
at
show examples
 only less than 3%. Other
cities
Use synonyms
 particularly
Adelaide
Use synonyms
 and
Hobart
Use synonyms
 are in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar numbers
of
Change preposition
as
show examples
Brisban
Use synonyms
 which is less than 40%.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 that, in the same uniform, Melbourne,
Brisban
Use synonyms
 and
Hobart
Use synonyms
 are the
cities
Use synonyms
 where a cafe
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been visited many times by their
people
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
Adelaide
Use synonyms
 is the smallest one.
However
Linking Words
, more than half of individuals bought instant
coffee
Use synonyms
 in
Brisban
Use synonyms
 and
Hobart
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 less than 50% of
people
Use synonyms
 in Sydney purchased it.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, coffee, cities, brisban, adelaide, hobart with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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