IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
contemporary
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the contemporary
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 era, technology improves rapidly.
That is
Linking Words
 why people spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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 on technological devices,
such
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 as
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Although
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 it is
common
Change the word
commonly
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to
Change preposition
apply
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used by every age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are more likely to waste their time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
. I firmly believe that, even though it is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
’s socialization and development with the explosion of technology globally kids tend to spend their time online On the one hand, it is irrefutable that
world’s
Correct article usage
the world’s
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 trend changes quickly.
For instance
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,
children
Use synonyms
 used to spend
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 outside with their friends.
However
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, nowadays they
are tend
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tend
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 to communicate
each
Change preposition
with each
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 other
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
online. They don’t prefer to play outside
instead
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
 they spend
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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 playing with
phones
Use synonyms
.
According to
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 researchers,
children
Use synonyms
 who spend 4 hours or above on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 daily tend to have mental problems in the future,
such
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 as anxiety. Because
phones
Use synonyms
gives
Change the verb form
give
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 them instant joy when they stop using their devices, they quickly feel lonely.
Unfortunately
Add a comma
Unfortunately,
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 it is impossible to keep
children
Use synonyms
 away
Use synonyms
phones
Change preposition
from phones
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 because of new world needs.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is obvious that using
phones
Use synonyms
 more than it should be
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 body health in the future.
For instance
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, cancer is the most common disease
around
Change preposition
among
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people.
According to
Linking Words
 Turkish Doctors,
smartphones
Use synonyms
spreads
Correct subject-verb agreement
spread
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 radiation every second even when we don’t use them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, radiation causes cancer in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 term.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
smartphones
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
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 disadvantages for pupil’s
geade
Correct your spelling
grade
grades
 at school. It is shown that students who haven’t mobile devices are
successful
Correct quantifier usage
more successful
show examples
 than others. In conclusion. Even though in
globalized
Correct article usage
a globalized
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 world technology is so common and everybody uses
smartphones
Use synonyms
, it doesn’t change how harmful it
to
Add a missing verb
is to
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 our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.

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Introduction/Conclusion Structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction should set the stage for the discussion, while the conclusion should clearly summarize your stance and the points discussed.
Linking/Paragraph Structure
Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument, and structure your essay so that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is developed and supported.
Task Response
Address both parts of the prompt in equal measure. In your essay, you need to discuss both why children spend hours on smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development.
Supporting Examples
Support your main points with relevant examples or evidence. The use of personal experience can be effective if related directly to the question and elaborated upon to support your argument.
Grammatical Range/Accuracy
Work on grammatical range and accuracy. Your essay contains several grammatical errors that can hinder the clarity of your message. Consistent practice and review of grammar rules will help improve your writing.
Coherence
Check the coherence of your essay. Your arguments should be logical and progress naturally from one to the next. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea and all sentences should contribute to this idea.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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