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Band 4.5

Many manufacturd food and drinks contain high levels of sugar,which causes many health problems.Sugary products should be made more expensive o encourage peopleto consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#manufacturd #food #drinks #levels #sugar #health #products #peopleto
In
this
 contemporary era, the amount of
sugar
 intake by
people
 is becoming a serious health concern because it leads to various problems
such
 as diabetes.
However
, it is believed by some individuals that the cost of sweet
products
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be increased in order to cope
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 issue.
This
 essay intends to elaborate the reasons why I completely disagree with
this
 notion, in upcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
, most of the population in the world is below the poverty line and they cannot afford expensive food.
Thus
, in order to fulfil their daily needs they eat whatever is in their budget. For those
people
 eating sugary
products
 is not an option but a necessity because donuts,
cupcakes
Correct word choice
and cupcakes
show examples
 are less expensive as compared to fresh vegetables and fruits.
Hence
, if the price of these goods
would be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 high,
then
 they will not be able to feed their families.
Secondly
, there are numerous industries
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are based on these sugary
products
such
 as bakeries,
beverage
Correct article usage
the beverage
show examples
 industry and many more; if these
products
would be
Verb problem
are
show examples
 expensive
then
 it will eventually decrease their sale.
Further
, the small businesses will not be able to survive
this
 change and
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be out of business shortly. Probing
further
, increasing price is not a solution to
this
 problem,
instead
Add a comma
instead,
show examples
people
 should be made aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the detrimental effects of sweet goods. Obesity is one
such
 example. If a person eats
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 surplus of
sugar
, they can become obese and will have diabetes.
Thus
, to make
people
 knowledgeable,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
held
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
 seminars for all ages of
people
, where they need to encourage human beings to live a healthy life by doing yoga, running, joining
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 etc.
Thus
, these steps will automatically decrease the
sugar
 intake of individuals.
To conclude
, it can be inferred from the above
conbafulation
Correct your spelling
confabulation
 that raising the price is not
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ultimate solution to overcome the problem of
sugar
 intake. So, to overcome
this
 issue completely,
people
 and government should make efforts collectively to educate
people
 about having a balanced diet which contains
required
Add an article
the required
show examples
 amount of carbohydrates, fats,
vitamin
Fix the agreement mistake
vitamins
show examples
, protein, and
sugar
 because excess of anything is dangerous.
Submitted by bhullarsimran2121 on

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task achievement
For a higher score in Task Achievement, make sure to fully address all parts of the task. Your essay must not only state your position but also develop it fully with supporting ideas and examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing skillfully to manage coherence and cohesion. Ensure that your ideas logically flow from one to the next, and work on smoother transitions between points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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