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Band 6.5

The most importaint aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#importaint #aim #science #people #lives
Throughout human history,
science
 and technology have served as a significant catalyst for the advancement of humankind.
However
,
while
 the essence of the field of
science
 is to innovate ways to make burdensome tasks easier and more efficient, there have been many occurrences when scientists
practiced
Change the spelling
practised
show examples
 their occupation with the wrong motives in mind,
such
 as to gain money, fame, and other superficial things.
This
 essay will
further
 discuss the notion of what the essential purpose of
science
 should be. To give you an example, in my field of work, medicine, the focus of the healthcare system in many parts of the world was to mainly provide a curative approach to
patient
 care. When the healthcare system was focused only on treating the disease, the health expenses would soar highly
due to
 the excessive use of healthcare facilities and resources, manpower, and drugs per
patient
, causing a huge debt for the
patient
 to cover. In my opinion,
this
 practice is the manifestation of the wrong implementation of
science
.
However
, there is currently a paradigm shift in the preferred option for providing the best
patient
 care,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is to practice preventive medicine. When doctors started to frequently advocate ways to prevent diseases from forming or developing
further
, there would be fewer patients that would have severe diseases and their complications,
thus
 requiring less extensive and costly utilization of health resources, giving patients more quality of life and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 bills to pay at the same time,
further
 emphasizing the true essence of
science
 advancements.
To conclude
, my stance in
this
 discourse is that
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 wholeheartedly agree that all scientists should think and work with the final goal of a better world to live in.
Submitted by avianitad on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear viewpoint with an introduction and conclusion, containing supported main points. However, there is a need for improved logical structuring between ideas for enhanced coherence and cohesion. Transitions could be smoother, and consistency in argumentation can strengthen the impact of the points made.
task achievement
Your essay shows a good level of task achievement by addressing the prompt and providing a complete response, along with clear and relevant examples. To improve, aim to ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to answering the question posed and further refines your stance on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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