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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows numbers of adults participating in different major sports in one area, in 1997 and 2017. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows numbers of adults participating in different major sports in one area, in 1997 and 2017. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#numbers #adults #sports #area #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph depicts
variation
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a variation
the variation
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
population
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the population
show examples
 participating in different major
sports
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, gentle walking,
basketball
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,
cricket
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, jogging, gym, football and hiking, in the period
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1997 and 2017 in a specific area. As reflected by
Correct article usage
the Y'
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Y'
Change noun form
Y
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 axis, the population is measured from zero to 60
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
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apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 with
interval
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an interval
the interval
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 of ten
thousand
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. At first glance, it becomes clear that
people
Use synonyms
 going
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
gentle
walk
Replace the word
walking
show examples
 is highest in both 1997 and 2017
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 going to
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 remained stable in both years.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 playing
basketball
Use synonyms
 increased from one
time-interval
Correct your spelling
time interval
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 to
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 the popularity of
cricket
Use synonyms
 drastically decreased among
adults
Use synonyms
 at
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 time interval.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
population
involving
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in various
sports
Use synonyms
 like walking,
basketball
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, jogging, football and hiking
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 lowest in 1997 and increased in 2017. In more
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
, around fifty
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adults
Use synonyms
were participating
Wrong verb form
participated
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 in gentle walking in 1997,
they
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 increased by five
thousand
Use synonyms
 and became the highest participated
sports
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 among other
sports
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 in 2017. Correspondingly, the
participants
Correct quantifier usage
number of participants
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
basketball
Use synonyms
 increased from nine
thousand
Use synonyms
 to around twenty-five
thousand
Use synonyms
 from the year 1997 to 2017. It shows that the popularity of
basketball
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 was growing among
adults
Use synonyms
 gradually.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
adults
Use synonyms
 involved in football and hiking
also
Linking Words
 increased from thirty-three
thousand
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 to forty-eight
thousand
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 and thirty-five
thousand
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 to forty-nine
thousand
Use synonyms
 respectively in those two time
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the craze of
cricket
Use synonyms
 among
people
Use synonyms
was declining
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 drastically from 1997 to 2017
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 going to
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 remained
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 ( thirty-five
thousand
Use synonyms
) throughout the time period.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 participating in jogging as their main
Use synonyms
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
 increased slightly by one
thousand
Use synonyms
 in the year 2017 in comparison with 1997. In summary, the number of
people
Use synonyms
involving
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in various
sports
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 increasing day by day except
cricket
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by sub.ranji on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "similarly, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words sports, basketball, cricket, people, thousand, adults with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation rates
  • adult demographic
  • comparison
  • percent change
  • significant increase/decrease
  • trend analysis
  • sports popularity
  • ranking changes
  • general patterns
  • social factors
  • 20-year period
  • time span
  • major sports
  • data interpretation
  • highlight features
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