IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence in the media, such as in television programs and films, directly results in violent behaviour. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #violence #media #television #programs #films #results #behaviour
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Some people argue that
television
programs
 and films that contain
violence
, directly result in violent behaviour. I strongly disagree with
this
 point of view because the content of
television
 and
movies
 are actually designed to entertain the audience and
also
 there are many aspects that can influence violent behaviour. Most of the
programs
 on
television
 or
movies
 are actually created for entertainment purposes. In the first stage, the media designed the program to entertain or even educate the audience.
Although
, nowadays there are
movies
 or content which contain violent scenes, the media does not make it to influence people to do
violences
Change the wording
violence
acts of violence
outbreaks of violence
show examples
.
For example
, the phenomenal Indonesian movie called The Raid had a fighting scene by Iko Uwais, it was not purposing to endorse
violence
, but it is just the essentials of an action movie which can entertain the audience.
In addition
, violent behaviours are not influenced only by the
scene
Fix the agreement mistake
scenes
show examples
 in
movies
 or
television
programs
. There are other aspects which can affect that habit
such
 as the role of the family and
school
. Many people do
violence
 because they see their family doing it or they are just influenced by their friends in
school
. Especially, when it comes to the kids in the
school
, how they treat each other badly can easily lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
acts of
violences
Change the wording
violence
acts of violence
outbreaks of violence
show examples
.
For example
, there are a lot of
school
 shooting cases by student in the United States of America, the reason
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 they are not treated well by their friends which eventually makes them angry and they do
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
violences
Change the wording
violence
acts of violence
outbreaks of violence
show examples
. In conclusion, I completely disagree that
movies
 or
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
programs
 can lead the acts of
violence
 easily
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they are not designed for it.
Furthermore
, family and
school
 are the most important roles to affect that action.
Submitted by femyparinussa on

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task achievement
The response presents a clear position throughout the response. However, try to explore the topic from multiple perspectives to fully satisfy task requirements, instead of focusing mainly on one side of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices but make sure they are used appropriately. Avoid overusing them, and ensure that paragraphs flow logically from one to the next.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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