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Writing Samples /
Band 5

People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #community #products
It is true that many affordable commodities have been sold at
low-priced
Correct your spelling
low prices
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 these days.
While
 the benefits of
this
 trend cannot be denied, I would argue the drawbacks are more significant. On the one hand, the provision of cheaper goods presents several advantages.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society becomes safer to live
when
Change preposition
in when
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 people have a chance to buy goods at a lower price on the shelves. It is because
ones
Replace the word
one
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 can meet their basic demands
such
 as eating, dressing,
personal
Correct word choice
and personal
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 belongings despite their limited incomes, which leads to a decline in crime
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
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such
 as stealing and robbing.
Secondly
, the national economy will be boosted because consumer purchasing power increases. Many manufacturing companies will expand their sales of consumer goods so more
jobs
Change the noun form
job
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 opportunities are created, contributing to the general prosperity of the country.
On the other hand
, there are serious disadvantages, which overshadow those advantages above. The primary reason for
this
 view is that the quality of commodities might be taken for granted, as can be harmful to human health.
For example
, that a large scale of toxic vegetables and fruits have been imported from China at an extremely low price in recent years is one of the main causes of
rising
Correct article usage
the rising
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 cancer rate in Vietnam. Another factor is the adverse impact on the environment when more and more factories are built to meet the market’s demand.
As a result
, the surrounding is seriously polluted
due to
 their toxic waste and exhaust. In conclusion,
although
 the cheaper products have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own benefits, the drawbacks of
this
 trend are greater.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows an overall logical structure, but it can be improved. Ensure you have clear topic sentences for each paragraph and develop a more consistent thread of argument throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and a conclusion are present, which is good. However, make the conclusion succinct and avoid introducing new ideas. Your introduction can be enhanced by directly addressing the question and stating your opinion more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Main points are accompanied by supporting sentences, but they require clearer development and elaboration. Be sure to fully expand on your main ideas with detailed explanation and analysis.
task achievement
Your essay responds to the task, yet it could offer a more complete response by exploring both sides of the issue more thoroughly. Provide a balanced discussion before presenting your own view.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but at times they lack depth and comprehensive analysis. Make sure each paragraph contains one central idea that is thoroughly explained and supported.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant but they could be more specific and detailed. Use examples that are directly related to the points you are trying to make to strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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