In today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvangtages ?
Nowadays in the world a lot of
people
whom smartphone owners are become
more popular. Change to the active voice
become
have become
This
writer will show you the outweigh of advantages besides
the disadvantages.
Beginning with the most convenient of using mobile phone
was Fix the agreement mistake
phones
people
could easily chat and keep in touch with their friend
or family when they get far away. Fix the agreement mistake
friends
This
is help
Change the verb form
helps
people
a lot in business , work or study and of course their health could be better when they contact other people
by
the Change preposition
on
phone
. So that
Correct word choice
apply
people
using smartphone
will be very happy and get more Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
relax
than other Change the form of the verb
relaxed
people
who don't own one.
Turning to the other advantages that make people
use
smartphones
outweigh disadvantages
was about the information Correct article usage
the disadvantages
it
give to their owners Correct pronoun usage
they
was
absolutely incredible. Wrong verb form
is
For example
, as a student when you don't know the lesson you learned on
class, you can Change preposition
in
use
your phone
look up to the lesson that you learn
and watch it again Wrong verb form
learned
them
slowly.Correct pronoun usage
apply
Moreover
, mobile phone
can show us the map of all over the world so that Fix the agreement mistake
phones
you
can travel Correct pronoun usage
we
to
there without losing. Change preposition
apply
This
is such
a good advantage that smartphones
give people
these days.
On the other hand
, using smartphones
also
has a negative effect on our health if we don't know how to use
them exactly .People
who use
smartphones
all days
will get blind just because of the blue light Fix the agreement mistake
day
Correct pronoun usage
that come
come
from Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
smartphones
. What is more, smartphones
can give us bad information or violence and it can make children
behavior Change noun form
children's
worst
. But Correct word choice
worse
that is
just the bad things
if you do not Fix the agreement mistake
thing
use
it in the right ways.
In conclusion, people
own Change noun form
people's
smartphones
can have a lot of advantages that outweigh the disadvantages. But people
need to learn how to use
it right
ways or it can Correct article usage
the right
lead
a harmful effect Verb problem
have
to
them and Change preposition
on
community
.Correct article usage
the community
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task achievement
Task response is limited due to a lack of clear position throughout the essay. You should ensure to provide a clear opinion on whether advantages outweigh disadvantages and maintain this position consistently throughout your response.
task achievement
The essay lacks development in main points with no clear topic sentences or detailed examples, which restricts the score for task response. Aim to expand on your ideas with more specific examples and clearer topic sentences that serve as introductions to each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Coherence is fairly achieved but the cohesion could be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and clearer paragraphing. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow a logical sequence.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they could be improved for clarity and impact. Make sure your introduction outlines your main points and that your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's content, reinforcing your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
There are supported main points but they require further development and more relevant, specific examples. Your points currently lack depth and do not fully convey the significance of the arguments being made. Each main point should be exemplified with concrete and precise instances.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example