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Band 4

n today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

#n #world #people #smartphone
In the modern
digital’s
Change noun form
digital
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 era, there is a large amount of individuals
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a mobile phone.
Overall
, in
this
 context, I would argue that the benefits of production, transportation and sales outweigh the drawbacks
in
Change preposition
of
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 using disturbs others. There is one major negative aspect of the way in which mobile
phones
 are often used. In order to live in harmony with one another in society, people must show consideration for others, especially in public places. Personally,
for example
, I do not consider that using a mobile phone to make small talk in a loud voice is socially acceptable.
While
 some people may have a
laid- back
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laid-back
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 attitude to
such
 discourteous
behavior
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behaviour
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, I have frequently agreed with
follow
Wrong verb form
following
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 passengers on buses or trains who chat endlessly at the top of their voices on their
phones
, oblivious to around them. Fortunately, codes of conduct are strictly enforced in cinemas, theatres and concert halls, where mobile
phones
 must be switched off.
However
, most people would say that their mobile phone enables them to do so many things which improve their lifestyle. Entrepreneurs argue that it is easier to conduct their business outside the office if customers or employees can contact them instantly,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
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 to place an order or arrive at a quick decision. With the rapid transactions made possible by mobile
phones
. The improved efficiency of production, transportation and sales boosts the whole economy. Fewer firms go out of business and everyone is able to earn a living. Individuals
also
 benefit, taking into account the ease with which they can contact friends and family, whether for important matters or just a chat. In
Fix the agreement mistake
conclusion
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conclusions
Add a comma
conclusions,
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 I believe that mobile
phones
 have had huge positive impacts on society.
This
 is despite the inconsiderate use by a minority.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should set the context and state your position. The body paragraphs should develop your argument with relevant examples, and the conclusion should restate your thesis and summarize the main points.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs. This includes conjunctions, transition words, and pronouns that refer back to earlier ideas.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task prompt, expressing and justifying your own position clearly. Ensure your response is complete and give equal attention to the advantages and disadvantages of the issue discussed.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas in your essay, providing specific and relevant examples to back up your points. Examples should be detailed and directly linked to the main idea of each paragraph.

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