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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People in many countries are spending more and more time away from their families. Why this is happening? How does this affect people and their families?

#people #countries #time #families #affect
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Nowadays, a significant amount of
people
Use synonyms
 tend to live away from their loved ones. The vital reason for
this
Linking Words
 situation
known
Add a missing verb
is known
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 to be
the
Correct article usage
apply
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career purposes.
Due to
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this
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 fact,
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of the
families
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 lose their bonds with each other. In
this
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 busy
world
Add a comma
world,
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 plenty of
people
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 lose their private lives
due to
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 their professional needs.
This
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 is very prominent in many developing countries. Because many citizens do not get a good income.
Thus
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, they have to work
over time
Correct your spelling
overtime
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 to earn more money to survive. Because of increasing their living expenses compared to the income they get, more citizens even tend to move away from their motherlands to find better jobs.
For instance
Linking Words
, my best friend's father left them to find a job in another country because her father could not find a good job in my country.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 creates a huge impact on family bonds.
Number
Change the article
A number
The number
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 of
families
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 have already lost their family bonds
due to
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this
Linking Words
 situation.
Due to
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 the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
peple
Correct your spelling
people
 have to engage in their professions most of the time, they are going to miss valuable opportunities with their
families
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.
In addition
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, some children lose their
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
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 love and care, which
bulid
Correct your spelling
build
builds
 up countless psychological
diformitieds
Correct your spelling
deformities
 inside of their minds.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, many of them do not even care about their parents.
For example
Linking Words
, one of my
patient
Change to a plural noun
patients
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 was there at my ward who had two daughters, but no one came to visit him
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 he was dead in the ward. After his
death
Add a comma
death,
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 I have known that he was not present in their lives
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 recently
,
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apply
show examples
 because he was very busy with his profession as a policeman. To summarize,
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
people
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 miss their
families
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 earning money.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they are losing their family bond during the process.
Therefore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 must engage and live with their
families
Use synonyms
,
otherwise
Linking Words
 they will lose their loved ones without even knowing.
Submitted by darshanadnj20 on

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task achievement
The response to the task only partially meets the requirements. Both the introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clear articulation and a strong thesis statement or summarizing point. To improve, the candidate should work on constructing a robust introduction with a clear thesis that outlines the main points to be discussed. Similarly, conclusions should effectively summarize the essay's key points.
coherence cohesion
While there is an attempt to present ideas in a logical order, the essay suffers from a lack of clear progression between points. To achieve better coherence, transition words and phrases should be used more effectively to link ideas together. Additionally, each paragraph should center around one main theme to improve cohesion. Paragraphs also need to properly elaborate on the points introduced, with more development and depth in the argumentation.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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