IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that the development of technology help to decrease crime and other people think that would encourage crime to discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Technology
Use synonyms
 has flourished by leaps and bounds in everyday people's lives.
While
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 some express that the crime rate is diminished by the
development
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 of
technology
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, others say that the
technology
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 would provoke
offence
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.
This
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 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons.
To begin
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 with, the
development
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 of
technology
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 helps to reduce the crime rate by surveillance
cameras
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. Today
this
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 camera is installed everywhere not only
public
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in public
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 places but
also
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 the common people's houses, in order
to
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for to
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 criminals
have
Verb problem
be
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 more afraid
these
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of these
show examples
technology
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 devices because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 record videos and
criminals
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criminals'
criminal's
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face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
 can easily register.
For example
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, a survey conducted by the Times of India said that the
offence
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ratio
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 has been diminished from 80% to 60% after installing
cameras
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. To be more precise, the advanced
technology
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 prevents
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime before happens and it gives
alarm
Correct article usage
an alarm
show examples
 to the owners to save and safe their assets. Ergo, the
development
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 of
technology
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 aids
to diminish
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in diminishing
show examples
 the misleading
ratio
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.
In contrast
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, the
development
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 of
technology
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 would increase the unlawful.
Cybercrime
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is
Verb problem
has
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 increased after
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development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
technology
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 because offenders can access and take people's personal details
such
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 as bank details
from
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apply
show examples
.anywhere without the victim's permission.
For instance
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, the
cybercrime
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 rate
is raised
Verb problem
has risen
show examples
 from 60% to 80% after the innovation of
technology
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.
Also
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, many individuals become
to
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
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victims of
the
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apply
show examples
cybercrime
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due to
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 they do not have more awareness about it.
Hence
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, the
offence
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ratio
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 would be increased by the innovation of
technology
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.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the
development
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 of
technology
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 helps to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
misleading activities by installing
the
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apply
show examples
surveillance
cameras
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, it would stimulate to increase
the
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in the
show examples
offence
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ratio
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by
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of
show examples
cybercrime
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. In my opinion, about
this
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, I strongly agree that the innovation of
technology
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 helps to reduce crimes by surveillance
cameras
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.

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task achievement
While you have developed both sides of the argument and provided examples, each paragraph appears to have only one main idea explained at length, sometimes feeling repetitive. It is important to explore multiple points with more depth and complexity while staying on topic.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a logical structure, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but you may want to ensure they are clearly linked to your argument. Also, consistency in the presentation of statistics and data can strengthen your point. Instead of presenting percentages without contexts such as 'from 80% to 60%' explain the timeline or sample size to give the reader a clear understanding.
task achievement
The overall essay would benefit from a conclusion that summarises both views and your own position more effectively. The reader should be left with a clear understanding of where you stand on the issue after considering both sides.
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