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Band 5

some people think that the development of technology help to decrease crime and other people think that would encourage crime to discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #development #technology #decrease #crime
Technology
 has flourished by leaps and bounds in everyday people's lives.
While
 some express that the crime rate is diminished by the
development
 of
technology
, others say that the
technology
 would provoke
offence
.
This
 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons.
To begin
 with, the
development
 of
technology
 helps to reduce the crime rate by surveillance
cameras
. Today
this
 camera is installed everywhere not only
public
Change preposition
in public
show examples
 places but
also
 the common people's houses, in order
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 criminals
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 more afraid
these
Change preposition
of these
show examples
technology
 devices because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 record videos and
criminals
Change noun form
criminals'
criminal's
show examples
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
 can easily register.
For example
, a survey conducted by the Times of India said that the
offence
ratio
 has been diminished from 80% to 60% after installing
cameras
. To be more precise, the advanced
technology
 prevents
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime before happens and it gives
alarm
Correct article usage
an alarm
show examples
 to the owners to save and safe their assets. Ergo, the
development
 of
technology
 aids
to diminish
Change preposition
in diminishing
show examples
 the misleading
ratio
.
In contrast
, the
development
 of
technology
 would increase the unlawful.
Cybercrime
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased after
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
technology
 because offenders can access and take people's personal details
such
 as bank details
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.anywhere without the victim's permission.
For instance
, the
cybercrime
 rate
is raised
Verb problem
has risen
show examples
 from 60% to 80% after the innovation of
technology
.
Also
, many individuals become
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
victims of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cybercrime
due to
 they do not have more awareness about it.
Hence
, the
offence
ratio
 would be increased by the innovation of
technology
.
To conclude
,
although
 the
development
 of
technology
 helps to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
misleading activities by installing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
surveillance
cameras
, it would stimulate to increase
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
offence
ratio
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
cybercrime
. In my opinion, about
this
, I strongly agree that the innovation of
technology
 helps to reduce crimes by surveillance
cameras
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
While you have developed both sides of the argument and provided examples, each paragraph appears to have only one main idea explained at length, sometimes feeling repetitive. It is important to explore multiple points with more depth and complexity while staying on topic.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a logical structure, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but you may want to ensure they are clearly linked to your argument. Also, consistency in the presentation of statistics and data can strengthen your point. Instead of presenting percentages without contexts such as 'from 80% to 60%' explain the timeline or sample size to give the reader a clear understanding.
task achievement
The overall essay would benefit from a conclusion that summarises both views and your own position more effectively. The reader should be left with a clear understanding of where you stand on the issue after considering both sides.

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