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Band 5.5

some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. is this a positive developement or a negative one?

#schools #phones #developement
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The
use
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 of mobile
phones
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 among the children has become quite common nowadays.
While
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 some schools have restricted its
use
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 on campus to make children’s life better
,
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apply
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 and help them to improve focus and concentration. In my opinion, the ban
of
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on
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 using mobile
phones
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 will have a positive development for the
well being
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well-being
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 of kids. Restricting the
use
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 of
phone
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phones
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 in the classroom itself can improve the concentration of
students
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. There will be no distractions for
students
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 that can trigger their
mind
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minds
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 to check their
phones
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.
For instance
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, when I am trying to study on my laptop, my mind constantly forces me to check on Instagram repeatedly. Even if I had recently closed the app, it still triggers my mind to check again and
this
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 same phenomenon will occur in the classroom, if the student
will have
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has
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phone
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a phone
the phone
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 in their pocket. These distractions will disturb the focus, and
also
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 the grasping power will get compromised. It may cause
the
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an
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 adverse effect on
the
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apply
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academic progress as well. A complete ban on
phones
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 during
the
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apply
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class frees the learners from the habit of compulsive checking and will improve their ability to concentrate.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 the unavailability of the phone,
students
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 will try to connect more with their peers and
also
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, can make a strong bond with them. When I was a kid,
phones
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 were not allowed in our classrooms and because of
that
Add a comma
that,
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 all the
students
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 used to share their knowledge with each other. And because of that, we have a large network in our adulthood and
also
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 lots of memories to talk about. The friendships made during childhood are very pure and those friends can help to solve any of the problems which we may face during our adulthood. These strong bonds can only be made if the distractions
were
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are
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 eradicated during the schooling period. To recapitulate,
phones
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 have become
Correct article usage
an
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the
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an
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 essential part of our lives but restricting their
use
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Change preposition
in
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among
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in
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Correct article usage
apply
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the
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apply
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children’s
life
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lives
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 will have many positive developments. It will improve their academics, strengthen their friendships and will engage in healthier pursuits.
Submitted by rushsoni1998 on

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Support Main Points
Ensure that you expand on your main points with a range of relevant examples to support your argument. While personal anecdotes can be effective, incorporating other sources of evidence could strengthen your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Strive to create a clearer topic sentence for each new paragraph and ensure that subsequent sentences follow logically. Use varied linking words to better connect ideas.
Introduction Conclusion Present
Develop an introductory paragraph that more clearly presents the overarching argument of your essay, touching upon the key points you will discuss.
Task Achievement
To more fully address the essay prompt, consider presenting a balanced view including opposing arguments or concessions, followed by a refutation or clarification of your stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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