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Band 4

Some students decide early in life to pursue vocational careers that involve cooking or baking. For them, it is better to study their chosen occupations in high school rather than regular subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#students #life #careers #study #occupations #school #subjects
Among the
students
, there are a minority who make a choice to pursue their dream careers as soon as possible like
chef
Fix the agreement mistake
chefs
show examples
 or
baker
Fix the agreement mistake
bakers
show examples
. To them, studying these skills would benefit them more than normal compulsory
subjects
. For me, who's already achieved my career,
This
 opinion is understandable. First of all, If we apply the regulation that allows
students
 to learn
subjects
 that benefit their vocational careers, it would boost their morale, which in turn increases their speed and efficiency in their study.
Secondary
Replace the word
Second
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,
Students
 get to experience their dream job earlier which would help them go faster in their life after graduation.
As a result
, the
overall
 economy will
also
 grow exponentially and lower the amount of unemployment in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society since they can choose to change if it doesn’t suit them before pursuing it too far.
On the contrary
, there are
also
 some disadvantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 approach. The most serious consequences would be the lack of common knowledge in physics, chemistry, and biography which I think is really important for everyone to know as a way to keep them away from hazardous situations
or
Correct word choice
apply
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from
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apply
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food poisoning, etc…
This
 information is usually available from regular
subjects
 and laboratory classes.
In addition
, I think that compulsory
subjects
also
 help
students
 to feel social equality, since everyone learns the same subject and can make a conversation out of it
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 anyone else. In conclusion, I think there should be a balance between regular
subjects
 and
subjects
 relative to their dream job and
this
 topic is already in consideration by many schools around the globe.
Submitted by weezel on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the structure of the essay contains a clear introduction, supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion, and that the introduction previews the main points being discussed.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical sequencing and paragraph division to enhance the flow of information and argumentation throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with relevant, developed examples, and further explanation to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Extend the response by providing a more elaborated argument, addressing the task fully and presenting a clear position throughout the response.
task achievement
Use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures to express ideas more precisely and to showcase linguistic range and accuracy.
task achievement
Incorporate a variety of specific examples that are directly relevant to the topic and argument to underpin your reasons for agreement or disagreement.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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