IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The workplace nowadays is trying to employ the equal number of females and males. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many companies are now attempting to hire the same proportion of men and women in the workforce.
This
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 essay completely disagrees with
this
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 notion because
this
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 can decrease the growth of the
company
Use synonyms
 and
this
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 can increase the unemployment rate. Employing the same
number
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 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in a corporation can decrease the growth of the
company
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because recruiters might tend to look at the gender of the job seekers
instead
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 of the skills and credentials they have just to fill the position.
As a result
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,
this
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 can limit the success of the
company
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.
For example
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, most construction workers are composed of men,
however
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, if a construction
company
Use synonyms
 hires an equal
number
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 of men and women,
this
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 can lead to decreased productivity because girls cannot carry heavy objects. Another reason to consider when hiring the same proportion of males and females is that
this
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 can lead to an
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 unemployment rate. Not all genders have equal interests in different jobs. Some prefer one over the other.
For instance
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, most nurses all over the world are women, and the
number
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 of male nurses is very few. If they
will
Verb problem
apply
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follow the system, many female nurses will be unemployed and hospitals will be understaffed.
Thus
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, recruiting the same genders in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 workplace has its drawbacks. In conclusion, hiring the same
number
Use synonyms
 of males and females in a workplace can lead to many problems
such
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 as a decrease in the
company
Use synonyms
's growth and unemployment,
that is
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 why I completely disagree with
this
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 notion.

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Content and Analysis
Avoid making broad generalizations about the capabilities of men and women without evidence or nuanced explanation, as these can be perceived as stereotypical or simplistic.
Content and Analysis
Consider a broader range of perspectives in your argumentation. Exploring multiple viewpoints and acknowledging potential counterarguments can add depth to your essay.
Structure and Development
Be mindful of the balance between providing examples and analytical depth in your argumentation. While examples are excellent for illustrating points, ensure that you also thoroughly analyze these examples to demonstrate their relevance to your argument.
Language Use
For even greater impact, you might work on varying your sentence structure further to demonstrate linguistic flexibility and sophistication.
Conclusion
Keep refining your conclusion by reinforcing your stance while summarizing the key points made in the essay. This will ensure your ending is as strong and impactful as the rest of your writing.
Structure
You've done a great job presenting a clear opinion throughout the essay, maintaining coherence in your argument.
Structure
The organization of the essay, with distinct introductory and concluding paragraphs, and well-structured body paragraphs, demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion.
Evidence and Support
Your use of specific examples to support your main points strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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