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Band 2.5

Computer games have a negative impact on children and their families. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#computer #games #impact #children #families
A
video
 game is
one
 of the
form
Change to a plural noun
forms
show examples
 of
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
entertainment, which has many genres.
For example
 sports, adventure and action. There is some violence in
video
games
 that may affect the
children
. So in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
how computer
games
 affect
children
.
First,
children
 have a lot of free time. Some
children
 may spend time playing
video
games
. And they might imitate the
character
Fix the agreement mistake
characters
show examples
 in the
games
.
This
 could affect their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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,especially if the
games
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 intensive, making them become aggressive and violent. On the flip side, every
games
Change to a singular noun
game
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a recommended age to play.
One
 that has violence or some improper content needs you to be at least 15 years old to play. So parents should be the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 to supervise their
children
 and select which game for them to play. Parents should
also
 sit next to their
children
while
 playing
games
, teaching them what is good and what is bad. In conclusion, I agree that computer
games
 have an impact on
children
 and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. But only to some extent. Because parents can be the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 to select which game is appropriate for their
children
 and teach them that the content of
video
games
 is not the same as real life.
Submitted by Ze.Nin3.R0 on

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task achievement
The essay demonstrates an attempt to respond to the task, but the position taken is not consistently clear throughout the essay. It is important to make sure that the main argument is presented clearly in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion for a stronger response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be significantly improved. The text shows some effort to connect ideas; however, it lacks a clear progression of thought. Paragraphs should be logically connected with a variety of linking words and clear topic sentences that outline the paragraph's main idea.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are present and clearly state the central premise of the essay. The introduction should effectively set the stage for the discussion, while the conclusion should summarize the arguments and restate the writer's position.
task achievement
Each main point presented should be supported with concrete examples or explanations. This essay only provides generalised statements without detailed support. Specific examples or studies add weight to the arguments and demonstrate an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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