IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for the government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, as we know most people
consuming
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 or processed
food
Use synonyms
. They think
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and processed
food
Use synonyms
 could be
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
one of any things to save time. Overconsumption of fast
food
Use synonyms
 and
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 every day leads to various health issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, diabetes, and heart diseases.
Therefore
Linking Words
 necessary for the
government
Use synonyms
 to impose a higher tax on
this
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
. In my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
 I
am completely agree
Change the verb form
completely agree
show examples
 with that statement.
Firstly
Linking Words
, with the
government
Use synonyms
 putting a higher tax on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and fast
food
Use synonyms
,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 will think twice
to buy
Change preposition
about buying
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
, fast
food
Use synonyms
, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other similar things.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
firtst
Correct your spelling
first
 thing that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 must do is, give some education
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 processed
food
Use synonyms
 traders to follow
government
Use synonyms
 policies.
For example
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 must work
together with
Linking Words
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
 MSMEs to prioritize their product on the market.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people have no other choice but to buy healthy
food
Use synonyms
 because there are more traders.
In addition
Linking Words
, revenue from the tac can be used to subsidize healthier
food
Use synonyms
 options and the
government
Use synonyms
 can make them more accessible.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if the
government
Use synonyms
 give that revenue
fro
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 the tax to healthy
food
Use synonyms
 MSMEs.
Besides
Linking Words
 being able to reduce processed
food
Use synonyms
 the
government
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 develop MSMEs traders in some areas. For
istance
Correct your spelling
instance
, without realizing the community and
government
Use synonyms
 are already using and consuming local products. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, taxation may not change habits if people lack awareness of healthy eating or if
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 is their only convenient option.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is more difficult to change the lifestyle that has been lived for a long time. But the community should
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
give education
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
 dangerous
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and processed
food
Use synonyms
 or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other similar things
for
Add a missing verb
are for
show examples
 our bodies if we
consumed
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
them on
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay shows a basic level of logical structure, but there are numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout the text, which severely disrupt the flow and clarity of the essay. Consider revising sentences for structural integrity and seek to enhance coherence by connecting ideas more fluently.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which are essential components. However, both need to be significantly strengthened. The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines your position, and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points discussed. Ensure the introduction clearly states your view and the conclusion summarizes the key arguments succinctly and reaffirms your stance.
coherence cohesion
The main points are identified but not adequately developed or supported with specific evidence and examples. Work on providing concrete examples to illustrate your arguments and expanding on these points to demonstrate a deeper analysis of the topic.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, but the response is incomplete. The essay lacks a well-rounded discussion on both sides of the argument before concluding with a personal opinion. Develop your argument by considering both the positives and negatives of the proposed tax on fast food and elaborate on these points to present a balanced view.
task achievement
While the ideas presented are relevant, the expression is at times unclear, and the essay would benefit from more developed explanations. Focus on expressing your thoughts more comprehensively and check your work to ensure that your ideas are conveyed with clarity and precision.
task achievement
The essay lacks specific, relevant examples to illustrate the points made. To strengthen your essay, include real-life examples or statistics that relate directly to the taxation of fast food and its effects on health and the economy. This would demonstrate a clearer understanding of the topic and provide concrete evidence to support your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Overconsumption
  • Chronic diseases
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Sin tax
  • Subsidize
  • Affordability
  • Nutritional awareness
  • Paternalism
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Industry lobbying
  • Public health initiatives
  • Consumer behavior
  • Regulatory measures
  • Health-conscious
  • Processed foods
  • Fiscal policy
  • Preventative healthcare
  • Behavioral economics
What to do next:
Look at other essays: