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Band 5.5

some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money others argue that it is better to try and improve such situation discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #situation #job #shortage #money
In
this
 contemporary year, acceptance or revision is one of the most common and debatable issues for individuals. A part of the community thinks that the way to obtain beneficial conclusions for various events -
such
 as job,money,education and health- must be through endeavour
whereas
 , a few group individuals do not want to effort for innovations. I tend to be on the same wavelength with the initial idea for the reasons, I will demonstrate below.
To begin
 with, It can be clearly seen that, the societies of developed countries ,
for instance
, the USA , in our world try to do everything about creating fruitful consequences which are soaring with struggle and revision
in contrast
 to bad results of the past. They endeavour to remedy harmful experiences through change .
Hence
 , their systems grow day by day .
On the other hand
 , a number of people do not possess the same awareness in backward countries -
such
 as Africa- in places where there are a lot of crucial troubles in current days. They do not opt to take risks because
while
 they are looking at the other side of the coin, their stable lifestyle seems to disappear .
Therefore
, their steady and worse-being lifestyle has existed for years.
On the other hand
, The theses by specialists depict that sixty people who inhabit developed states in every hundred establish better systems in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
while
 combating a problem and try to change with various stations
according to
 individuals of undeveloped states. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light of
this
 fact, we analyse that It is alteration and effort that makes our lives better.
To sum up
, It is my conviction that change and the developments it brought both can be a priority key factor in a well-being lifestyle so people must work to develop.
Submitted by ezgi.maide.213 on

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Task Achievement
Task Achievement: It is important to fully address all parts of the task, which includes discussing both views and giving your own opinion. Your essay touches on these, but it could benefit from a clearer argument structure and more explicit statements of your opinion throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: While some effort has been made to structure your essay, the ideas could be organized more logically and paragraphs should be clearer and better connected. Your use of cohesive devices such as 'To begin with' and 'On the other hand' are noted; however, more paragraph organization and linking phrases would benefit the essay's overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Contentment
  • Resilience
  • Personal growth
  • Endurance
  • Initiative
  • Advancement
  • Catalyst
  • Financial stability
  • Status quo
  • Innovation
  • Missed opportunities
  • Life satisfaction
  • Adverse situations
  • Taking control
  • Risk assessment
  • Change management
  • Self-improvement
  • Motivation
  • Stagnation
  • Proactivity
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